Beer Blog

Beer Commissioner Speaks on Writing a Book

Beer Commissioner — Sat, 22 Jan 2011 23:06:00 GMT

Several of you who follow me on facebook, know that when I'm not beer commissioning, I work as a legal eagle, and I frequently post my Tales from the Courthouse. I have literally received hundreds of emails from people asking me to write a book, which I've pretty much knocked out. Of course, it isn't published, and there isn't exactly a line forming at my door seeking to publish it, but in any event...it exists. For those of you who are interested, I'm going to post just one little story from the book. Feel free to comment, good, bad or indifferent. I hope you enjoy!

I see my son dealin’ DRUGGGGGGGGS!

I was appointed to represent a man who was charged with distribution of cocaine. He had just been released on parole after serving 8 years on a 10 year sentence. When a person is on parole, they are in effect, on probation, and if they get in trouble during their parole time, they risk being revoked and having to do the balance of their sentence.

This particular client was arrested for distribution of cocaine a day or two after he was released from jail on his previous sentence. When I went to see my client in jail, he told me, he wouldn’t deal drugs, because he just got out of jail, and ‘he’d be stupid to commit another crime and go right back.’ One thing I always believe is when my clients tell me they are stupid. If they ever raise the stupid argument, I just assume that is in fact what we are dealing with, and start working from there.

In this particular case, the client happened to sell his cocaine to an undercover police officer, and the entire crime, was conveniently on video tape. “Fortunately” my client had an alibi. He had his momma, who swore up and down her son was with her, when the crime in fact went down. His momma told me, “she was braid’n his hair”.

I watched the video of the crime with my client, and the video was not great quality, and the guy in the video had a big afro, and my client had braids. I certainly couldn't tell beyond a reasonable doubt it was my client. My client continued to insist it wasn’t him in the tape, and momma continued to insist my client was with her at the exact time the alleged drug deal went down.

The assistant DA offered a plea deal of 2 years, essentially allowing my client to revoke his parole, do his remaining 2 years, and then drop the new charges. I recommended to my client he take the plea deal, in light of all the other evidence against him. The risk of going to trial and being found guilty meant getting as much as 50 years on a sentence. My client, of course, rejected the deal, because that was the stupid thing to do, and we went to trial.

The trial was a disaster in every way possible. The police had done everything perfectly. When they arrested my client he had their marked money on his person, the officer positively identified my client. My only hope was that momma could sway the jury. I put momma on the stand, and she testified she was braid’n her son’s hair, and he was with her at the time of the crime. On cross examination, the district attorney played the video tape for the momma. The district attorney asked momma, what do you see in that video? Momma responded, “I see my son dealin’ druggggggs!” My client is eligible for parole in 42 years.

"Show me", I think not...

Beer Commissioner — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 15:07:00 GMT

Your Beer Commissioner just returned from his annual pilgrimage to Missouri to visit the Commissioner-in-laws, and to otherwise celebrate Thanksgiving. On the beer related front, we stopped at the Schafly Brewhouse in St. Louis, had a great lunch, and sampled some beer.

I know what you are thinking? Beer? The Beer Commissioner doesn't write about beer, the beer commissioner writes about strippers. Everyone knows, a visit to my in-laws is not complete without a visit to the Fantasy Ranch. Sadly, my dear readers, August 28, 2010 is a day that has changed the visits to my in-laws forever, or at least until a more pagan administration overtakes the governor's mansion in Jefferson City.

You see folks, on August 28, 2010, the fine people of the Show Me State, decided they didn't want strippers to show me anything. The Show Me State, decided that strippers are no longer allowed to strip. There is absolutely no nudity allowed in strip clubs within the state of Missouri. Of course, I didn't know there was no nudity allowed in strip clubs in Missouri until Mrs. Commissioner and I dropped $40 to gain access to the Fantasy Ranch.

For those of you who are not followers of my blog, here is a little background information. First is the Beer Commissioner's Guide to Strip Club Economics, and second, here is my blog about Taco Night at the Fantasy Ranch. http://blog.beercommissioner.com/2010/01/18/beer-commissioner-speaks-on-taco-night-at-the-fantasy-ranch.aspx http://blog.beercommissioner.com/2008/06/21/bc-on-strip-club-econ.aspx

As you can see, from last year's epic trip to the Fantasy Ranch, Mrs. Commissioner and I were more than eager to get back. Mrs. Commissioner attempted to pull the free coupons off the Fantasy Ranch website prior to making the journey, as she and I are both loathe to pay cover charges at strip clubs. A combination of a dial up connection at the commissioner-in-laws, a dot-matrix printer, and we had no luck getting the free-coupons printed. Mrs. Commissioner decided she would just show the door guy the coupons on her i-phone when we got there. Turns out there is no 3g network in the middle of nowhere Missouri, so we had to drop $40 to get in the door. The disappointment level didn't stop there.

The first thing I noticed upon walking in the door, were the absence of glowing neon signs reading 'Totally Nude Bed Dances'. I figured, since we were there early, maybe they hadn't turned them on. It turns out however, they were just gone. Mrs. Commissioner and I sat next to the stage. The first young lady was twirling around, and I noticed, she was wearing pasties. Never, EVER a good sign. Again, I figured this was a day shift thing, maybe? But, again, no.

Anyway, after a short while, the night shift girls took the stage, and things started looking up. First on stage was the lovely and talented C.J., the star of last year's trip to the fantasy ranch. C.J. did her two songs, and not one article of clothing left her body. Not a single one. She literally could have walked off the stage and into a Sunday school class and nobody would have said anything.

At this point, my disappointment is overwhelming. I ask the bartender, what on earth is going on. She then tells me than on August 28, 2010, the State of Missouri made it illegal for strippers to take off their clothes in strip clubs. No nudity allowed whatsoever. She then told us, the Fantasy Ranch was the last operating 'strip club' in the state. Mrs. Commissioner and I sat around for another hour or so, and watched what turned out to be the worst burlesque show ever conceived. Several girls asked us if we wanted "VIP lap dances", but informed us, they wouldn't be getting naked. This is like asking me if I want to drive an Indy car and then telling me I can't take it above 55 mph. What's the point?

For some reason I feel like I lost a family member. All my future tales of adventure from Cole Camp, Missouri are now going to be limited to going to the Elk's Lodge, and listening to stories from the good old days at Cole Camp High and the Fighting Blue Birds. I have no earthly idea what knucklehead thought it was a good idea to get rid of strip clubs, but they ought to be thrown out of office immediately. My personal entertainment is at stake. If any other state tries this stunt, I'm organizing a boycott. Thank goodness I live a stone throw from Bourbon Street. Surely they won't try that stuff here.

Beer Commissioner Speaks on Religion

Beer Commissioner — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 12:30:23 GMT

I have noticed a trend whenever I post something remotely political on my facebook page, I lose about a dozen 'friends' and usually get a hate email or two. Mind you, I never post a political view, I just post an article, usually about someone being stupid, or hypocritical. I had one person deem me a toothless redneck for posting something about global warming being made up, and I had someone accuse me of a being a country, destroying liberal for naming President Obama the most-pro beer president ever.

Someone once told me, never to discuss politics or religion on a first date, or in business. Well, I'm not on a date, and I haven't sold a t-shirt in about 6 months, so really, what customers am I about to upset? Friends, I'm about to talk religion. I'm going to blaspheme. This morning a read a saddening tale about a teenage girl in North Carolina who was suspended from school for wearing a nose-ring. She said she is required to wear the nose ring as a bona-fide religious belief. Is she a hindu? No. She is a proud member of the Church of Body Modification. Folks, I'm not making this up. You can read the article here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100916/ap_on_re/us_rel_piercing_church

This lucky lass, even snookered the ACLU into representing her. I got to thinking, if there can be a Church of Body Modification, then by Beer, we can have a Church of Beer. In order to have a bona fide church, you need to have bona fide beliefs. That part is easy. I believe I'll have another beer. I believe I'll buy more beer. I believe I'll serve my friends ice cold beer. I believe beer should be sold for less than $8.42 a bottle at Larry Flynt's Hustler club on Bourbon Street. I believe instead of serving wine at communion we will serve beer and pretzels. Beer will represent, essentially the blood of Beer. Pretzels will represent, Beer's favorite food, served by a host.

Everyone knows you cannot have a religion, unless you have a celebrity get amped up for it. Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and the woman from Cheers that does the Jenny Craig commercials are already taken by the scientologists, but, as best I can tell, George Wendt, who played Norm from Cheers is available. Perhaps the Church of Beer could have Norm talk about the benefits of the Church of Beer communion.

Another great benefit of the Church of Beer, tything. Yes, we get to guilt people into giving 10% of their beer money to the Church of Beer. This would be for no other purpose than for me to build a big house, buy a fleet of Bentley's and a Gulf Stream, but any legitimate religion needs to raise funds. And as the founder of the Church of Beer, these funds would all come to me. I'm sorry folks, that's how it has to be.

Lastly, as Grand High Ayotollah of the Church of Beer, it is my intention to send the Little Deputies, who would immediately be ordained Bishops of Beer, to school with coolers of beer to hand out on the play ground. Afterall, it is a firmly held belief that we are to serve our friends ice cold beer. I'm thinking there is no way the ACLU can't find

Beer Commissioner Speaks on Being a Model

Beer Commissioner — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 20:43:00 GMT

A week or so ago, a friend of mine, who is in beauty school, sent out an all-points bulletin that she needed models to come to class for a haircut. I sent her an email and volunteered for said modeling duty. It turns out, 8 X 10 black and white photos were not necessary. In fact, the only thing that was necessary was that you were willing to get a haircut from someone in beauty school. I was more than game for that. Your Beer Commissioner doesn't lose alot of sleep over his hair. I have no products, and don't know where my wife's blow dryer is. In fact this morning I washed my hair with Mr. Bubble 3-in-1 no tears shampoo. My basic hair concern is that I'm not bald, which for someone on the Express Train to 40, is really my only bow to vanity, much to Mrs. Commissioner's consternation.

I do not have a haircare regimine, and Mrs. Commissioner half-heartedly jokes with me, EVERYTIME I get a haircut, not to come home looking like I got a free bowl of soup with my haircut. Needless to say, I was more than happy to volunteer to model, and let the lovely and talented Lara loose on my locks. Mrs. Commissioner was not as pleased with my plans. Now, she didn't tell me NOT to do it, but she just politely suggested it might not be a good idea. I went anyway, because I gave Lara my word. As an aside, at the same time, my wife was getting her hair done, at her regular stylist, who charges upwards of $38,000.00 for a haircut. Apparently today, he was giving out cherry cake to ease the pain.

I showed up at the salon at the appointed time, and was met by a very beautiful woman, who immediately asked me, "are you a model?" I'll let you guess how many times I've been asked that question upon walking inside ANYWHERE...I politely replied, Yes, yes I am. She asked who I was there to see, and I said the lovely and talented Lara. I saw Lara, there were hugs, and I was seated. The first thing she did was give me a release form. Really. I had to sign a release. Honestly, I didn't read it, but I'm pretty sure I absolved the Aveda Institute from anything they may ever do to anyone, any time, anyplace.

All in all the haircut turned out great. Lara is well on her way to being the next Christoph. But, seriously, if you've ever seen my hair, you know it is pretty hard to screw up. So, afterwards, I called Mrs. Commissioner and asked her if she wanted to have lunch. She told me she was about 45 minutes away from being done. I told her I'd wait, and I actually went to the mall. Seriously, the mall. About 45 mins. later, Mrs. Commissioner calls, and says she's going to be a little while longer, and we decided not to do lunch. So, I went to the food court....then things got funny....Apparently after Mrs. Commissioner hung up the phone, she decided, oh shit, I have to see my husband's hair. She started text messaging me like a fiend, telling me she NEEDED to see me for lunch. I think the only thing I currently like more than being called a model, is to be told I'm NEEDED by my wife. WOOHOO! So, I called her, and it turns out, she just wanted to see my hair.

My wife just wanted to see if her husband looked like a 5 year old was let loose on my hair with garden shears. So, we went to lunch, and I just drank some ice-cold Peroni's while she had some crab claws and stuff. She decided my hair looked 'nice'. I'm not sure what she was expecting, but she sure as hell didn't treat me like a model. (sigh)

Beer Commissioner Speaks on the Happiest Place on Earth

Beer Commissioner — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 22:31:00 GMT

In my 39 years on this blue rock, I had never been to Disney World. My parents never took me there when I was a kid, but then again, we did live just a very short distance from Hersheypark, so I've been there alot (and it is better than Disney World). A couple of weeks ago, me, Mrs. Commissioner and the Little Deputies headed to see the Mouse.

I'm not sure what I was expecting. You win the Super Bowl, apparently you immediately NEED to go to Disney World. Figure skating gold in the Olympics, express flight to the Mouse. I think I was expecting an amusement park the size of the Grand Canyon. I was surprised it wasn't that big.

We spent a day at the Magic Kingdom, and one day at Epcot. The lines were not oppresive, as I had been led to believe they were. There were surprisingly few roller coasters. The little deputy and I rode Space Mountain. As we got off the ride, I asked my blossoming 5 year old roller coaster enthusiast what he thought, and he replied, "it didn't go upside down".

When I told some of my friends about going to see the Mouse, EVERYONE suggested I drink beers around the world at Epcot. As Beer Commissioner, they just thought that I should drink 13 different beers in 13 different pretend countries. That is an excellent idea in theory. There is only one small problem in practice. I simply forgot to get a second mortgage on my house before I left on the trip.

We went to Epcot on the first day. Mrs. Commissioner, who is simply the greatest wife on the planet, made reservations at the German Biergarten. She knows how much I love Germans, and she knows how much I love beer. And she knows how much I love the chicken dance. All of those things were at the German Biergarten. There were 6 people in our party. The Biergarten is an all you can eat buffet, which means the little deputies ate chicken nuggets and mac and cheese. I had exactly 1 beer, 2 potatoes, some sauerkraut, 3 sausages, and a piece of chicken.

We heard some great German beer drinking songs,and then they brought the bill. There were no prices on the menu, and in fact, there was no menu. I was thinking the bill would be in the $120 ish neighborhood. Sadly, I wasn't even in the neighborhood. I had to pawn my autograph book to a 7 year old to pay the bill. After getting the bill, I did get more pudding, but didn't dare order another beer.

That night, when we got back to the hotel, I immediately checked my stock portfolio. I secretly prayed the market went up. I didn't know how I was going to fund the rest of the trip. After buying dinner, lollipops, a spray bottle with a little helicopter propeller on it, and 227 bottles of water, I calculated I spent the Gross Domestic Product of Andorra. I did figure out why they call it the happiest place on earth. They aren't talking about the parents. They are talking about the big smile Mickey has when he walks to the bank every day.

The Little Deputies had fun, which in the end is all that counts. I did not drink the beers from around the world, as I determined, it would actually be WAY cheaper to actually travel all around the world to buy the beer, but I had a good time watching the boys have a good time.

Beer Commissioner Speaks on Life's Mysteries

Beer Commissioner — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 01:36:09 GMT

Life is filled with mystery. Some are more intriguing than others. The Bermuda Triange is very mysterious. Where is Jimmy Hoffa? Back in the day, the biggest mystery was who shot J.R.?

Speaking from a hopsian point of view, I am constantly in amazement at people who drink light beer. Really, what is the point? If you are on weight watchers, a light beer still accounts for 1200% of your daily allowance of points. I'm not on weight watchers, deal a meal, or any such other diet, so I drink the real stuff.

There are other things that amaze me personally. Things I don't get, don't understand. You may get them, or understand them, which is fine.

I don't get Sarah Jessica Parker. She isn't cute, isn't talented, isn't funny, yet she is famous and makes millions of dollars doing what she does. On the flip side of the coin, you have Gal Holliday and the Honky Tonk Review. You probably haven't heard of her, which is a shame, because she and her band are incredibly talented, gifted and wonderful entertainers, very easy on the eyes, and probably don't make millions of dollars, but really should. The band has more talent than anyone in Nashville with a record label, yet they aren't famous, and I don't understand why.

I don't understand soccer. Everyone was entranced with current World Cup. Watching 22 guys kick a ball back and forth for 90+ minutes to finish in a 0-0 tie just isn't my idea of compelling sport. Billions of people think I'm wrong. So be it.

Professionally, I do not understand why my clients lie to me. Happens ALL the time. In many cases I'm the only one that can help them, and they lie to me. Seems silly, but it happens all the time.

I don't understand how my 4 and 5 year old can run around and play all day in 95 degree heat, and literally go full-blast for 12 straight hours, and I spend 8 hours in an air-conditioned office, sitting in a chair, and I come home exhausted.

What I really don't understand though, is the exercise we just finished at the Beer Commissioner World Headquarters. It is an exercise that takes place every other Wednesday evening. It is called the clean the house for the housekeeper exercise. We have two very lovely ladies that come to our house and clean it. They do a great job and even fold the toilet paper into little flowers. When they are finished you can eat off the floor, the walls, or any other surface you desire. You can do all the white glove tests on this house you desire, and you'll find nothing. They are wonderful. Yet, every Wednesday we clean the house for the women that come to clean the house. I'm not complaining. I for the most part do what I'm told, when Mrs. Commissioner tells me to do it. The exercise just makes no sense to me. I certainly don't clean the gutters before the gutter guy comes. I don't wash my car before I take it to the car wash. I'm only asking the question rhetorically, as I don't want an answer, especially from Mrs. Commissioner, because I imagine the answer will be something along the lines, because she lives with 4 guys are we are all slobs, or something of the sort.

Beer Commissioner Speaks on Apocolyptic Events

Beer Commissioner — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 20:11:39 GMT

I was reading the news, and saw a story a few days ago that Stephen Hawking believes in aliens, but believes we shouldn't try to contact them because they may hurt us. First, why is this news? and second why do we care? My guess is Stephen Hawking is about to start selling some type of alien detection system at $599.99 a pop so that you will be the first person to know that you are going to be vaporized by aliens. This kind of alarmist news is what gives the Beer Commissioner a viagra induced hard-on. The only problem with Stephen Hawking's prediction, is that you can't blame EVERYTHING bad on it, like global warming.

So, I sat down in the chair in my butter colored office, and came up with a global crisis that nobody can do anything about, that will cause the destruction of everyone, that can be blamed solely on Republicans, and be a financial boon to Al Gore. Otherwise, what's the point of having a global crisis?

What is this crisis you ask? Excessive gravity. You heard me. Excessive gravity is the cause of everything evil in the world. I can prove it too.

To start a true global crisis, you need a scientific study. I have one. The study was done by the Rand Corporation, entitled Weight Gain Trends Across Sociodemographic Groups in the United States, by Khoa Dang Truong, M.Phil and Roland Strum, P.hd. This study looked at the weight gains of Americans from 1986 until 2004 in the United States. Other countries were not looked at, because if there is a global crisis, it can only be caused and/or fixed in the United States. So, who really cares if people gained weight in Chad? Excessive gravity isn't likely to excessively impact Chad anyway, as there isn't alot of stuff in Chad.

Our study concluded that poor people gained weight each year from 1986 until 2004. The study also concluded black and hispanic folks gained more weight than rich republican types of people. So, clearly we have different dynamics at work here. Either the study is racist because otherwise it seems unfair that black and hispanic people would gain more weight than rich republican types, or there is a natural cause....a REASON people actually gained more weight. The reason...excessive gravity. People didn't really gain more weight, they stayed the same, it is just that the earth's gravitational pull weighed on those persons more than the rich republicans. Why not the rich Republicans? Well is it a coincedence Ronald Reagan was president when this study started? I think not. Is it a coincidence Rush Limbaugh started his radio show shortly after this study began? I think not. Conspiracy types call up Governor Ventura, his book needs another chapter.

It is a fact, people gained weight. It is a fact, these people didn't try to gain weight. It is a fact these people are surely not the cause of their weight gain, so something had to happen. Excessive gravity is the only conclusion. What other effects does gravity have? We know that gravity controls the tides. Because the gravity is excessive the tides are higher and more extreme. These high and extreme tides caused the tsunami in Indonesia, Hurricane Katrina and are the reason the Maldives are soon to be completely under water.

Excessive gravity has also caused all the recent earthquakes. The excessive gravity is pulling on the earth's tectonic plates too much, and is causing the rumblings all around the ring of fire, and is sole cause of the recent spate of geological activity. The excesssive gravity is also the cause of the volcanic eruption in Iceland. The excessive gravity caused the magma to just squirt out from under the earth and blow to the surface.

Lastly, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Corporate ineptitude? Negligence? Malfeasance? No, a platform collapsed. Why? Excessive gravity. If we don't do something soon, excessive gravity is going to cause every other oil platform in the world to collapse, possibly as soon as tomorrow afternoon.

Kids are also doing poorer in school. The cause? Excessive gravity. Kids are getting headaches from the extra force put on their brains by the gravity, and they are unable to complete their work. Democrats of course, have been warning us for years that the kids have been doing poorly in school. Republicans have ignored this excessive gravity hoax, and blamed the poor results on crappy schools, teachers and unions. Democrats argue the Republicans indifference has caused yet another generation of kids to go uneducated through no fault of their own.

Polar bears are dying at alarming rates, because the seals are sinking because they can't swim with the excessive weight caused by the excessive gravity, and if something isn't done to increase the bouyancy of seals, our great, great, great grandchildren may never see a polar bear.

Fortunately it is rumored, Nancy Pelosi and Al Gore have a plan to stop excessive gravity. Supposedly they will propose a 9000% percent increase on sugar so people will actually lose weight. This will have the effect of the earth not putting so much weight on the tectonic plates, causing fewer earthquakes. They have also suggested that all new buildings should be built with bamboo products. Surprisingly, Al Gore and Harry Reid have formed a company that will import bamboo from China, and have cut deals with the Chinese government to import all the bamboo we need so that lighter buildings can be built, easing the burden on the tectonic plates. Republicans, of course, oppose this.

Al Gore and Danny Glover are making a movie about excessive gravity. The movie shows what the earth looked like during the Carter administration, when everyone was skinnier, and what it looks like now after 20 years of Republican presidents. It is foreboding. Rumor has it, they are going to win Oscars.

President Obama also weighed in on the excessive gravity issue. Today he issued an order stopping all offshore drilling. Of course, it was Republicans who so eloquently stated, drill baby drill!, thus firing the first salvo in the anti-excessive gravity movement. Well, apparently they aren't believers that excessive gravity is going to cause every oil platform in the world to collapse. The President however is. Just remember, you heard it here first.

Beer Commissioner Speaks on President Obama

Beer Commissioner — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 23:42:00 GMT

It's been awhile since I blogged, as I've been quite busy working. But fear not, your Beer Commissioner is here. Many of you may not know it, but your Beer Commissioner fancies himself a bit of a presidential historian. Dan McCollough I am not, but his books are wonderful, and I highly recommend you read them.

As many of you know, President Obama has been in the news alot lately. Something about the healthcare system, or what not, but President Obama also made some beer news. I certainly understand if you missed it, but it's true. President Obama made a bet with the Prime Minister of Canada on the USA-Canada Gold Medal Hockey match. Probably one of the best hockey games ever played, or so everyone says, but I was at a little kid birthday party (without beer) and missed the whole thing.

Last week, the President paid off the bet. I'm not making this up. President Obama sent the Prime Minister of Canada 2 cases of Yuengling. Two cases of the Beer Commissioner's favorite beer. Being that I'm a minor league presidential historian, and being as I AM THE Beer Commissioner, I got to thinking, maybe President Obama is the most 'pro-beer' President of all-time? Hell, the Norweigians gave him the Peace Prize after he had been in office for a month, I think after 14 months, I can declare him the most pro-beer president ever. After all, I'm the Beer Commissioner, and if I can't declare President Obama the most pro-beer president ever, who the hell can?

Let's look at the record. I think its best, we eliminate presidents first. Rutherford B. Hayes would be eliminated immediately. His wife was called lemonade Lucy because they were famous teatotallers. Woodrow Wilson, Warren G. Harding, Calvin Coolidge and Herbert Hoover are also eliminated. Any president worth his salt would never preside over an era of prohibition where booze couldn't be sold at all. Thomas Jefferson is eliminated, because everyone knows he was a wine drinker. George W. Bush is also eliminated. Poor guy gave up drinking. Richard Nixon was a world renowned scotch drinker, and Kennedy is out, because his family were all scotch people. Millard Filmore is also elminated, because, frankly, nobody named Millard can't be the most pro-beer anythingt. President Clinton is out, because we all know he preferred cigars. Jimmy Carter is a possibility, because he was afterall, a peanut farmer, and beer goes GREAT with peanuts, but he was also a Southern Baptists, and any good baptist knows there is a fine line between Saturday night and Sunday morning (all credits for that line go to Jimmy Buffett). William Henry Harrison is eliminated. He was only president for a month. That can get you the Nobel Prize, but not the coveted most pro-beer president ever award.

So, we are left with 30 presidents that are eligible for the prestigious award. And there are several good candidates. George Washington brewed his own beer, but little else is known for his beer advocacy. Lyndon Johnson kept beer on tap in the oval office, which is good, but he taxed the hell out of it too. Bad....He's gone. Gerald Ford had Coors shipped to the White House from Colorado. That's pretty impressive, but little else is known about his beer loving. No other president really has a pro-beer track record that I know of, which brings us to President Obama.

Who could forget the beer summit? I blogged about it. I was given special access to the President, Vice-President the cop and the professor's sit down meeting, over beers to discuss race relations. President Obama recently had a physical, and his doctor told him, to cut back on the beer. Not cut back on the wine, the steak, the cigarettes, but the beer. Look at the health care bill. Nobody knows how the hell this thing is going to be paid for, but there sure are alot of new taxes to help. Higher taxes on income, dividends, capital gains, taxes on tanning salon visits, sugar, tobacco, gas. There are new taxes on just about anything you can conceive of, but one thing. Beer. No new beer taxes. Are you kidding me?

And then, he bets the prime minister of Canada. There are lots of great things in Canada the President could have asked for. He could have asked for the other half of Niagra Falls. He could have asked for Michael J. Fox, or Caroline Rhea (and I personally think Caroline Rhea is a mega hottie of the highest order). He could have asked for polar bears to put in algore's movie. He could have asked to have the captain of the Canadian women's curling team to sit in on cabinet meetings. But no, what did he ask for? He asked for two cases of Canadian beer. I'm not kidding. It was a beer versus beer throwdown. Even if you lose, you win? Are you kidding me? This man is dedicated to his suds, and for that, I salute you Mr. President.

Folks I'm not saying anything about the man's politics. But, he has his beer priorities in line, and I'm all for it. The evidence is clear, and President Obama, is quite simply, the most pro-beer president, ever.

Beer Commissioner Speaks on Little League Parents

Beer Commissioner — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 02:47:00 GMT

Today marked the end of the Little Deputy's first basketball season. Our team made it to the Final 4, before gracefully bowing out in a hard-fought contest. The day did not end without some fireworks from some little league parents. Before I discuss the idiot dad from my team, I think a little background information is necessary.

Several years ago, I coached my step-son's baseball team. I coached his team for 3 years, and for the most part had great parents, and great kids. I really LOVE baseball, and love teaching kids the game. About 5 years ago, I 'gave up' coaching because of the parents. My step-son was playing in a 7-8 year old, coach pitch league. Basically, the 'coach pitch' was a pitching machine. The league DID NOT keep score, every kid got a trophy kind of thing, which I think sucks, but that's another blog for another day. However, this was the first year the kids play with a REAL baseball, and not a hard foam ball.

Believe it or don't, we have a draft for these kids. There isn't a try-out, all the coaches get in a room, and just pick the kids. I employed a rather simple draft strategy that has two components, 1) do I know the kid, or 2) does the kid have a hot mom? Answer yes to either of those questions, and chances are you will be playing for my team. Anyway, 5 years ago, I drafted a kid that fit into category #1. The kid played on my team the year before, and I liked the kid. I liked the kid alot. He hustled, he tried really hard, and he loved to play. Well, apparently, his parents had a problem with me. This kid's dad went nuts when he found out his kid was on my team. The dad felt that I 'wasn't competitive enough'. And the dad declared himself the 4th assistant coach of 'the competitive coaches'' team, so therefore his son had to play for that team. So, anyway, the league arranged for a trade, without discussing it with me...whatever...let's just play ball. However, the kid they traded to my team, had the little league parents. Little League parents, are parents that have visions of grandeur for their child. They see their child as the best at ANYTHING they attempt to do, and do not like facts, or reality question their vision for their child. These parents however, do nothing whatsoever to help their child achieve the visions of grandeur, but they do have no problem whatsoever casting blame on anyone that comes in contact with their child that they feel is either impeding upon or hindering their child from their own vision of greatness.

So, the kid that gets traded to my team, I'll call, Lupus. I'm not going to say Lupus is the worst player that ever set foot on a baseball field, but he was way up there. Lupus couldn't catch, had no clue what base to run to, which turned out not to be a problem, as he wasn't in any danger of ever hitting the ball. Lupus's main problem was, he didn't want to play baseball. His parents MADE him play. Lupus was dutifully assigned to right field, where he would sit down in the grass and play with the clover. If a ball was hit to Lupus, he didn't run after it, he didn't get up from the clover. Lupus's parents however thought their son was the second coming of Joe Dimaggio. Lupus's mom and dad HAD NO PROBLEMS telling me how I should coach Lupus. His dad suggested to me that putting Lupus in right field discouraged him so much, he didn't want to play. Lupus's mom and dad BEGGED, REQUESTED and ultimately demanded that Lupus play the pitcher position. I wouldn't let Lupus play the pitcher position, because 90% of the balls were hit in these games went straight to the pitcher, and 1) the kid couldn't catch, and 2) he didn't pay attention. I calmly and politely explained to the parents I feared for their son's safety, and would not put him in harm's way. After a 15 game season, Lupus's dad was just getting downright nasty with me, and at the last game did everything but threaten me with a lawsuit if I didn't let Lupus play pitcher. I relented. God loves me, and wants me to be happy.

As God, Lupus's mom and dad, Mrs. Commissioner and everyone on the field as my witness, the FIRST PITCH OF THE GAME, my favorite batter of all time hit a glorious line drive right off the bridge of Lupus's nose. Blood, crying, agony, pain, followed by Lupus's parents walking their child to the car and off the field. He is now on the swim team, and rumor has it, won't even watch baseball on tv. Despite the glorious end to that season, I retired from coaching.

Fast forward 5 years, and suddenly I'm Brett Favre, out of retirement and coaching again. The little deputy wanted to play basketball, and I decided to coach. I have 11 kids on my team. The league has a rule, that EVERY kid on the team must play one full quarter, start to finish. Fortunately, we had a really good team, and had several blowouts, so I had to put my best players on the bench in the 3rd and 4th quarters. So, virtually every game this year, every player on my team played nearly 2 quarters. The little deputy, wasn't the worst player on the team, but I would say, at least at the start of the year, was the least enthusiastic. Consequently, no child on the team played less than MY CHILD. Another child on the team, who I will call Junior, was probably 9 out of 11 in skill level on my team. Junior is a good kid though, and I like him alot. I do not like his dad, Senior, or his mom, Bitchzilla.

Earlier this year, Bitchzilla approached my assistant coach after a practice, and complained to her about Junior's playing time. She said, she wanted him to PLAY MORE. My assistant coach, pointed out, that in the previous game, we only had 6 players, and her son had in fact, PLAYED THE WHOLE GAME, just how much playing time did she want him to have? They then got into a discussion about his playing time in practice. To quote, Allen Iverson, "we are talking about practice"....My assistant coach was confused, because we don't play games in practice. We do drills, we shoot baskets. So, we don't hear anything else from them again, until today.

We are playing our quarterfinal game, and we are winning the game, 14-5. Junior had played the entire second quarter, and he had played the last 2 minutes of the third quarter. I put in an entire new lineup to start the 4th quarter. Seconds after the 4th quarter starts, Senior gets up off his 400 pound ass, and waddles ACROSS THE COURT, during the game, and sits on the bench. He says to me, "hey coach, you need to put my son back in, he hasn't played enough." I looked at him and told him, I was coaching the team, and told him to go sit down and watch the game. I sat there and just stewed for the rest of the game, which we won. We had about 4 hours between the first game, and the second game, so I was at home, and I got a copy of the league rules. I highlight the portion of the league rules that show each kid is to play a minimum of one quarter. When we get to the second game, I walk up to Senior and show him the rules. I tell him, this is what the rules require, your son played more than that. He looks at me, and says, I don't need the rules. I tell him, I don't need any more coaching advice. He says to me, 'did I offend you?' I say to him, yes, you offended me, when you walk across the court and demand that I put your son in the game. I told him, if he doesn't like how his son's team is coached, then next year he can volunteer to coach.' He then says to me, I don't like how aggressive you are, you need to get out of my face.

I have spent the rest of the afternoon just furious pissed off. I can't stand these little league parents, that don't practice or play with their kids at home. They do not offer to help at all at practice or games, and then feel they are entitled to demand playing time for their kids. If you are one of these parents, do everyone a favor, and have the neighbors bring your kids to the game, or better yet, don't sign them up at all. However, if your kid really wants to play, and you are either a bitchzilla mom, or, as a dad, you can best be described as an insatiable dick, sign up to coach your kid's team. I assure you, no other parent wants to deal with you, or your coaching suggestions.

Beer Commissioner Speaks on Professional Wrestling and Valentine's Day

Beer Commissioner — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 23:50:00 GMT

Once again it is that time of the year, where 'we' are supposed to show the love of our lives how much our relationship means to us by buying, in order of importance, 1) diamonds, 2) red roses, 3) dinner, 4) tickets to some stupid chick flick movie and 5) a $9 greeting card that says all kinds of crap about your relationship. Yes, we know I am speaking about Valentine's Day. Most annoying day of the year.

You noticed, I used the term "we". In this case, "we" does not mean everyone in a relationship. "We" means, everyone that has to use the men's room. I have yet to see a commercial, suggesting that women buy their men, 1) a rolex, 2) week at fantasy camp in Florida, 3) dinner at Hooter's, 4) tickets to professional wrestling, or, at a bare minimum a case of our favorite beer. Women apparently AREN'T supposed to buy men anything for Valentine's Day. Who is telling women to buy us anything? It sure as hell isn't Kay Jewelers.

Is, this, or is this not, a holiday about "LOVE" and relationships? If it isn't, then let's not call it Valentine's Day, let's call it buy shit for your girlfriend/wife/mother/anyone you care about without a penis day. If it is, it is about time for some equal rights. Gloria Allred has been running around for years screaming for equal rights. She is on TV more than Al Sharpton screaming about something, but I promise you, she has never bought a man anything in her life for Valentine's Day.

I have brought this up to women lots of times. They ALL tell me, oh, we always get our husband/boyfriend, something for Valentine's Day. I say, really, like what? Well, I got him a card. Ohhhhhhhh. A card. What else? (Picture crickets chirping). That is always the answer. Several years ago, I decided, I'm going to take the bull by the horns. I'm going to test this Valentine's Day is about celebrating your relationship crap. Any good scientist comes up with a hypothesis, and then tests it. So, that's what I did. My hypothesis was, Valentine's Day is not about celebrating your relationship by showing your significant other you love them, it is purely about buying shit for your woman.

I tested this hypothesis about 12 years ago, when I was in a previous relationship. Here is the completely true story. It was a Monday, circa 1997-1999. It was Valentine's Day. I had not done crap. No roses, no chocolates, no dinner reservations, no plans whatsoever. I got up, drove to work to my office in downtown, Birmingham, Alabama, and was listening to my regular morning show on radio. The radio announcers were giving away 2 ringside seats to WCW Monday Nitro, which was being held that night...Valentine's Day. You had to answer their trivia question to win the tickets. Now, a little Beer Commissioner background. I have watched professional wrestling, virtually every week of my life from the time I was 3 until, well, this past Monday (and I'm not inferring that I've quit watching wrestling). My dad used to take me to see Andre the Giant at the Hersheypark Arena. I saw Superfly Snuka come off the top rope. I saw Hulkamania run wild.

So, the announcers ask the trivia question, which was quite simply, "Who is the greatest wrestler North of Hell and South of Mars?" I instantly knew the answer was none other than the Macho Man Randy Savage. Now, remember this is the late 90s. I had a bag phone in my car, and cell phone prices back then were around $9000 a minute, so I didn't call in the answer. I listened to knucklehead after knucklehead get the answer wrong. I get to the office, run to my desk, call the radio station, got through, and answered the question. Friends, the Beer Commissioner scored 2 ringside seats to WCW Monday Nitro, on Valentine's Day. I immediately called my partner, the Grand Wizard Bitch of Making Men Miserable, and told her we had plans for Valentine's Day. I didn't tell her what they were, but I'd be home around 4:30, we'd go to dinner. She of course, wanted to know what to wear, etc. I told her, it didn't matter (and really, did it?) .

Imagine her surprise when we parked at the Birmingham Jefferson Civic Center, and she saw the marquee. She looked at me, and said, is this a joke? And, I said, is what a joke? She asked, if I was REALLY taking her to see professional wrestling on Valentine's Day. I told her, not only was I taking her to see professional wrestling, but I was going to buy her a hotdog, and she was sitting ringside! I even told her, that I thought it would be cool if we got matching NWO (New World Order) t-shirts, since we were going to be on tv. I told her, I called my brother and told him, so he could watch. I then said, I told him what my sign would say. She asked me in a quizical look, 'what sign?' I proudly displayed the 3' x 3' sign I made at work, which said "I am the LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR' I thought it was cool and catchy.

Can you believe, on a day, when we were supposed to be celebrating our relationship, and making our partners happy, she said, 'you go have fun, I'm sitting in the car?' I swear to you, she sat in the car. But this wasn't a happy, you go have fun thing. This was a you go have fun and I'm going to think what a dick you are, and when we get home I'm going to call every woman on the planet and tell them what an asshole you are, and oh by the way, I'm a martyr and should be in the Gloria Allred Hall of Fame kindof have fun. I left her a ticket and went into the arena. She did come in later, but she wouldn't put on the t-shirt I bought for her, and she treated me like I arranged to have her dogs sodomized. After this reaction, and the subsequent fallout, I easily concluded Valentine's Day, at least from the women's perspective is about getting expensive stuff. It certainly, isn't about making your man happy, and I sure was happy.

So, my advice to all my Beer Drinking Brothers out there. If you want to have a good Valentine's Day and be happy, YOU make the plans, and if the WWE is in town, by all means, buy tickets.

Beer Commissioner Speaks on the "R" word

Beer Commissioner — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 22:53:00 GMT

I just read another article today about some politician getting in trouble for saying the "R" word.   Seriously? What in God's name is the "R" word?

I've heard of THE word. It was depicted in a Christmas Story..THE F DASH DASH DASH word. The "F" word has always been a no-no.

Then we had the "n" word. You can't ever say the "n" word. Well, you can't say it if you are pasty faced white guy like myself, but if you are a rapper, it is totally cool to say it.

There is or was a TV show called the "L" word. It is on one of those pay channels, I don't pay for, so I never saw it. I'm not sure what the "L" word is, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean Lite Beer, but perhaps it should. You'll never find a lite beer in my house, unless someone else brings it over. I don't ever turn down anyone bringing any type of beer to my house, but be assured, I sure as hell don't buy Lite beer.   I like calories.

Several years ago, George Carlin, God rest his soul, did a skit about the words you can't say on TV. I remember one eyed wonder worm was one of the words. I'm not sure why you couldn't say one-eyed-wonder worm on TV, but if George Carlin said it, you know it had to be true. I haven't seen that skit in a long, long time, but I'm pretty sure there were no words beginning with "R".

There are some words I don't like being said in my house. Stupid is one of those words. I just don't like my children calling each other, someone else, or me stupid. People aren't stupid. They are misinformed, or uneducated, but not necessarily stupid. They may have a glorious abscense of intelligence, but I wouldn't call them stupid. That being said, I wouldn't say, stupid is the "S" word.

Mrs. Commissioner told me, if I ever called her a cougar, she'd arrange for my vascectomy to be completely irrelevant. Cougar is certainly not the "C" word, but I'm not going to say it in my house.

I remember when I was in elementary school learning about the evils of the "B" word. You could never say the "B" word. It always puzzled me why my mother constantly, and perpetually called me a son of a bitch. I thought the B word was a bad thing, and I spent years in therapy and utter confusion, as to why my mother would call me an SOB, and I was further puzzled when Joe Garagiolla would say it like every other word during the Westminster Dog Show on tv. Is it bad, or isn't it? I'm still not sure.

I was sitting down contemplating the letter "P". There are many good "P" words. Puppy, Pluto, which, incidentally, I thought was doing a great job of being a planet, paper, plastic, pilsner, pinot noir...all great "P" words, but none of them are THE "P" word, which is kind of sad, but the "P" word, is really one of my all-time favorite words, and one of my all-time favorite things. God must like it too, which is why the PHILLIES have been in the World Series the last 2 years.

Who decides, what word gets to represent an entire segment of the alphabet?   Is there a committee? Is there a group of teachers? Is Katie Couric on the panel? Is there an application process?

Finally, when whoever it is, decides that this word, will represent an entire letter of the alphabet, how is that information deciminated? Who is responsbile for letting us know? Seriously, I would hate to be sitting in a bar, drinking a wonderful beer, and accidentally, and offensively call someone the "Y" word.   That would be terrible. I don't want to call anyone the "Y" word. I don't want to call them the "J" or the "M" word either.

Sometimes, people just make life too hard or complicated. I don't think things need to be this hard. I'm going to make things easy for everyone. If you are ever invited to the Beer Commissioner World Headquarters, just know, it is never BYOB at my house, and you can call me whatever word you want, whether it begins with an R, A, D, C or SOB. I won't mind, and I certainly won't alert the media.

Beer Commissioner Speaks on Taco Night at the Fantasy Ranch

Beer Commissioner — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 02:43:00 GMT

Every now and then life throws you one of those little surprises that makes getting up in the morning so worthwhile. Our family traveled to Missouri to the Commissioner-in-laws to celebrate the Christmas holidays. Our wedding anniversary is right before Christmas, and because we had the grandma and grandpa babysitting service, Mrs. Commissioner and I headed to Kansas City to have our anniversary dinner. We met up with some dear friends in Kansas City, and had a delightful dinner and a wonderful time catching up.

We then had to make the 1 hour drive back to Sedalia, Missouri. If you've ever had the pleasure of driving through Missouri, there isn't alot to see. The land is flat, and occassionally spotted with a nuclear missle silo here and there. On our drive home, right outside of Warrensburg, Missouri there was an unmistakeable pink neon glow beakoning from the fruited plains. To the untrained eye, this pink glow would be passed off as a gas station, but to the Beer Commissioner, this is a beacon of electric sex and wonderment. As we approached, the neon signs glared GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS underneath a bigger sign that read FANTASY RANCH. At this point I heard the second best thing a guy can ever hope to hear from his wife, on his wedding anniversary. Mrs. Commissioner said, "oh we have to stop at the strip club." Yes people. My wife is THAT awesome.

As far as wonderment, and magic goes, Cinderalla's castle has nothing on this place. We walk into the joint, and were immediately met by the door guy. The door guy was a kind of a cross between Uncle Jesse from the Dukes of Hazzard and Ernest Hemingway. Had he not been 5'2" you'd say he was from central casting to play Santa Claus on a pirate ship. Right behind the door guy, was a glowing neon sign that simply stated, "Totally Nude Bed Dances". Yes, there were little rooms, with beds, ostensibly for Totally Nude Dancing.

The door guy explained to us, the rules of the joint. First, it was a juice bar. No alcohol was served. I don't know if I had visions of totally nude bed dances, dancing around in my head, or that I was still pumped my wife said, we HAD to stop at the strip club, but I never registered being upset that I couldn't have beer in a strip club. All in all, not having beer, probably saved us $600 on the bar tab. He then told us, there was a bar next door, and we could drink there, but not in the parking lot. He also said, we got one complimentary drink, but all other drinks, we'd have to pay for, and those were the staggering price of....$2. He then asked us if that would be "ok".

Is it ok that I'm going to spend less than $10 on beverages at a strip club? That's like asking me if I mind winning the powerball. So, after he explains all this stuff to us, he then gives us the cherry on top, on our yet unfulfilled strip club experience. He then tells us, if we were hungry, it was taco night, and he points us to the taco buffet, situated right outside the totally nude bed dance room. Christmas had truly come early.

Mrs. Commissioner and I headed to the stage, took our complimentary coffee and diet coke, and enjoyed the festival of nudity on the stage in front of us. After watching a parade of nakedness, Mrs. Commissioner then said to me, the best thing a woman can say to her husband on their wedding anniversary. "Pick a girl, I'm going to buy you a totally nude bed dance." Pinch me, but did I go to Sodom and marry Pandora? Life can't be this good. Shortly thereafter, Mrs. Commissioner, me, and T.J. (not of Baywatch fame, but she stole the name, nonetheless) headed off to the totally nude bed dance room, when the kind hand of fate peeled off four aces. Right before we went into the room, the DJ announces, dances are now 2 for 1. For 8 exquisite minutes the lovely TJ 'danced' for me on a surprisingly comfortable twin bed.

After the 'dancing' Mrs. Commissioner and I assumed our positions back at the stage, when the Garden of Delights offered up its final surprise of the evening. Smack dab in the middle of this utopian paradise was a shower, enclosed fully in glass. Seconds later, a lovely lady, and some little Air Force flyboy were in the shower. He was wearing his skivvies, she was wearing her birthday suit. The DJ appropriately played the You and Me Baby Aren't Nothing But Mammals song as the lovely vixen 'showered' with this young man. Just like that the DJ announced it was 2:00 a.m., and they were closing. We were kicked out of the strip club, and headed home, at least one of us a very happy camper.

I'm not saying the Fantasy Ranch is the greatest strip club on earth. I'm not saying this was the best time I have ever had in a strip club. But, I am saying, if you ever find yourself on Hwy 60 in Western Missouri, and you see a neon pink light beaconing from the highway, I highly recommend the taco buffet. Next time, I may even try the food.

Beer Commissioner Speaks on Coaching Basketball

Beer Commissioner — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 16:38:00 GMT

The little deputy turned 5 this year, and he announced he wanted to play basketball. Our local recreation department has a Bitty Basketball League for 5-6 year olds. The cut-off day is September 1. The Little Deputy's birthday is September 1. He is literally the youngest child in the league.

Naturally I decided to coach. The Wizard of Westwood, John Wooden I am not, but I am a disciple of Coach Jim Beddall, the Sage of Selinsgrove. Coach Beddall was my basketball coach from 7th grade through high school. I manned the spot on the bench next to Coach Beddall for 6 years. I couldn't really dribble, shoot, pass, and was way too slow to play defense, but I could tell if the low post guy was overplaying our #4 guy, and that the back door pass was open on the low post all day, and I would tell Coach. He really wouldn't listen. He'd usually grumble something about why did he quit smoking?

I enlisted my law partner as my assistant coach. She afterall, played with Pokey Chatman, who coached a national championship team. We are one degree away from basketball glory, there is no way we can't, at a minimum, field a competitive team, with all this pseudo coaching greatness sort of osmosizing throuh our veins.

We have 11 kids on our team. 9 boys, including the Little Deputy and 2 girls, one of which is going to be better than Candace Parker, and you heard that here first. We play on a regulation sized court, except with an 8' basket. Our first practice was an exercise in cat herding. About 4 of the 11 kids can dribble. 3 of the 11 can consistently reach the basket. 7 of the 11 kids on the team, including the Little Deputy have no prayer of getting the ball anywhere near the basketball goal this year.

At one of the practices, I actually tried to install Coach Beddall's motion offense. I have no idea what in the world I was thinking. The idea of setting a pick and coming off it, or bounce passing on the baseline was so foreign to the kids, I probably would have been better off teaching them calculus while speaking Mandarin Chinese. Fortunately, I have Coach Wendy, who discerned, give the ball to one of the kids that can dribble, and have them pass to one of the kids that can reach the basket. Yahtzee! We had an offense. After a month of practice, we had our first game yesterday.

One of the rules in our league is that every kid on the team has to play a full quarter. Great rule. We had 10 kids show up for the game yesterday. I played the best 5 players in the first quarter and we jumped out to a commanding 2-0 lead. Because of our swarming 2-3 zone defense, the other team never even shot the ball. Not one time. During the second quarter, I put in the other 5 kids. Our swarming 2-3 zone defense, turned into the run away from the ball defense. The Little Deputy spent most of the second quarter telling me he had to poo poo, when he should have been playing defense. (He did in fact spend the entire 3rd quarter in the bathroom poo-pooing). We did not get a shot off during the entire second quarter. However, #2 on the opposing team, channeled Kobe Bryant and lit us up for 5 points. After the second quarter, Coach Wendy and I determined #2 on the opposing team, was the ONLY player on their team that could reach the basket. He was it. I then switched to the soon to be famous "Chaos 5 Defense'.

I invented it yesterday during half-time. The Chaos 5 defense involves putting all 5 of your defensive players on one guy, which in this case was #2. The Chaos 5 defense worked wonderfully. The other team did not get a shot off in the second half, and we forced 9000 turnovers. Coach Wendy's daughter, the next Candance Parker, lit up the scoreboard for 2 huge buckets, and we won the game 6-5.

I was crazy happy. The kids were crazy happy. The Little Deputy's fiber intake seems to be clicking on all cylinders. Every kid on the team played at least half the game. All the kids had fun. Just 9 more games to go, and then its March Maddness. Yes, the Bitty Basketball League has a March Madness! Nolan Richardson used to call his Razorback team 40 minutes of hell. I think our games can be called 24 minutes of confusion and chaos! But alot more fun!

Beer Commissioner Speaks on Inventions

Beer Commissioner — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 21:51:00 GMT

Today is Game 1 of the World Series, where my beloved WORLD CHAMPION PHILLIES take on the hated Yankees, whom I really don't hate, but the Yankees are in the way of me being able to type WORLD CHAMPION PHILLIES for another year, so for those purposes I hate them.

I just got back from the grocery store, where I was provisioning myself for tonight's game. Beer, pretzels, potato chips, bacon and frozen mini-tacos were purchased for the event. My trip to the check-out line was delayed by one of the last 12 people on earth that actually use a checkbook. Since the Beer Commissioner is a public service oriented type of guy, I dedicate this blog to those 12 people who actually still use a checkbook.

I decided to write this blog, while standing in line at the grocery store, and watched the grocery clerk scan approximately 200 items. At the conclusion of the scanning of the items, the grocery clerk then informed the lady in front of me the price of her groceries. Telling this woman she had to pay for her groceries, apparently was a complete surprise, because she acted like she had no idea she actually had to pay for the groceries, because it was not until that exact time, that the lady began spelunking through her Grand Canyon sized purse for her checkbook. The trip through the purse was not yet over. The lady then sat the purse down in the buggy, and dove in, head first apparently to find a pen. I say apparently, because she waved it around like an olympic torch when she emerged from the confines of her purse. She then began to write the check. Then, a third trip was made into the purse, this time, for a calculator, so she could subtract from her checkbook ledger the price of the groceries.

After the check was written, the clerk, to the disappointment of us all, requested to see the woman's driver's license, which was in a completely different wallet, which was buried in the catycomb portion of the purse. After all the check writing, math figuring and ID showing, we had to order up a key-turn. I never realized why on earth the grocery store needs the manager to turn a key everytime someone writes a check, but I figured it out today. It is much nicer and customer friendly to say, key turn on register 4, than to say, hey manager, come look at this dumbass that still writes a check.

Now, before I help you people, I need to identify who the people are that need helping. There are three ways to tell if you are the idiot that still uses a checkbook, and you need to be told of this great new invention.

First, are you in a grocery store and writing a check, if so, look at the person behind you, if you see me, you are a moron that needs my help.

Second, when the television stations switched from analog to digital service, and you could no longer watch television, you need my help.

Third, do you spend 4 hours one weekend a month, putting stamps on envelopes containing your monthly bills? If so, you are wasting your life away, and you need my help.

If you fit the above, this advice is for you. There is this great invention called a DEBIT CARD. They look like a credit card, but they act like a check. All you have to do is scan the card, and the money magically comes out of your checking account. Poof! Just like that! No more digging through big purses looking for pens, checkbooks and IDs. No sir! No more embarrassing key turns at the cash register! No more writer's cramp! No more silly math! All you have to do is call your bank and say, I want a debit card, and within 7 days one will be delivered RIGHT TO YOUR DOOR! Imagine not having to spend hours paying bills. You'll get out of the grocery store in 10 fewer minutes!

So, assuming your bank hasn't been taken over by the government, or has failed, you too can get a DEBIT CARD. For the love of GOD, act now!

Beer Commissioner Speaks on the Fall Classic

Beer Commissioner — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:54:00 GMT

It is time. It is time for dedication and proclamation. It is time for bestowing. It is time to christen the Cathedral of Baseball, Yankee Stadium. Cathedrals should be christened by popes. The Phillies used to have a pope, Paul Owens, but he is with us no more. He led the Wheeze Kids to the Fall Classic in 1983. How many Hall of Famers played in that Series? Tony Perez, Joe Morgan, Steve Carlton, Mike Schmidt, Eddie Murray and some rookie named Ripken.

The 2009 version of the Fall Classic has the makings of a great one. This is the first year of the new Yankee Stadium. It is fitting that baseball's greatest games, be played in baseball's holiest place. The Yankees are loaded with future Hall of Famers, and have more gold gloves than a costume party in the Castro.

The WORLD CHAMPION PHILLIES have the most potent hitting line-up in all of baseball. Both teams are loaded with enough former Indians to make the Jacobs family wonder if they really know anything about baseball.

Hopefully somewhere, Whitey Ashburn, Tug McGraw, The Mick, Joe Dimaggio, the Babe, Casey Stengel all get together and watch the games. Maybe they are watching the games at the Pope's house and drinking the dearly departed Frazier Beer?

I'm hoping the Series goes 7 games. I hope the Captain gets the key hit. I hope the Flyin' Hawaiian guns down Robinson Kano at home to stop the tying run from scoring. I hope CC and Cliff Lee both throw complete games, and Game 1 ends 1-0. I hope in one of the games, the Phillies 4 of Ultey, Howard, Werth and Ibanez put up a bunch of crooked numbers. I hope that Lidge is perfect, and Mariano is at his best. I hope J-Roll doesn't bite on the curve ball down and in, and I hope A-Rod doesn't have rabbit ears. I hope neither team makes an error in the field, and that Cole Hammels finds his curve ball. I hope the Phillies win in 7 and parade down Broad Street.

I hope every baseball fan in heaven watches the games, and I hope that Harry Kalas and Whitey Ashburn call the games on Phillies Radio and Mel Allen and Phil Rizzuto call the Yankee games on heaven radio, but without the Money Store commercials.

"How about that?"

Beer Commissioner Speaks on the Nobel Prize

Beer Commissioner — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 15:56:00 GMT

Much has been made this past week about awarding President Obama the Nobel Peace Prize. People were quick to note the nomination deadline was a mere 11 days after his inaguration as president. The Nobel Committee pointed out the Nobel Prize for Peace was not awarded for anything President Obama had actually done, but they awarded him the Prize to encourage him to actually do what he said he is going to do.

After all the hubbub this created, the Nobel Committee went back and revoked all other awards, and re-awarded them based on the new standard, of not actually doing anything, but just saying you are going to do something.

The Office of the Beer Commissioner was given special, exclusive access to the new awards, and I am going to announce them here.

The Nobel Prize for Medicine is awarded to M.D. Anderson hospital in Houston, Texas. Yes, M.D. Anderson has just built a brand-new $8 billion dollar cancer wing at their facility. Truly M.D. Anderson is a wonderful hospital, and if I ever draw life's short straw and am diagnosed with cancer, that will be my first trip. That being said, M.D. Anderson wants to cure cancer. Their research doctors are among the best in the world, and they are diligently working to cure cancer, and the Beer Commissioner certainly hopes they do it. The Nobel Prize for medicine is awarded to M.D. Anderson hospital because they say they actually want to cure cancer. They haven't done it yet, but they want to. I'm sure this will get done shortly after that $8 billion dollar edition to their hospital is paid for, but, they are getting the award, because they intend to do it.

The Nobel Prize for economics goes to Robert Mugabe, the president of Nigeria. President Mugabe has quietly presided over one of the greatest redistribution of wealth exercises in history. He has taken farmland that has belonged to generations of farmers, and has given it to the poor and displaced of his country. The result is that the poor and displaced in the country have no idea how to farm, and they are now starving because the farmers have been driven from their land. The entire economy in Nigeria has collapsed, and the inflaction rate is something around 20 million percent (I am not making this up). The country actually issues 100,000,000,000 billion dollar notes. President Mugabe says he is going to fix the Nigerian ecomony. He has no intention of giving the lands back to the farmers, but he says he wants to do it. He is going to start by reducing the price of eggs from $3 billion to the more reasonable price of $1 billion per dozen. The Nobel Committee wants to help him with his efforts, and is awarding Robert Mugabe the Nobel Prize for economics.

The Nobel Prize for chemistry goes to InBev. Since buying American Brewing giant Anheiser Busch, InBev stated they wanted to keep the great American beer drinking tradition alive and well. InBev then gave us Bud Light Wheat. InBev, bless their hearts wanted to give us a good beer to help keep the American beer drinking tradition alive and well, but unfortunately they gave us Bud Light Wheat. We want to encourage InBev and all beer makers to give us great beers to drink. Imagine giving the peace prize to a guy who just announced he is sending 40,000 more troops to a country to escalate a war? Makes no sense. That is why InBev deserves the Nobel Prize for chemistry!

The Nobel Prize for literature has been given to....surprisingly, me! Yes, I haven't posted a blog in 3 months. Yes, my website gets approximately 10 hits a day. The Nobel Committee wants to encourage my efforts in writing more about strippers. Apparently there is a huge gap in that literature. It turns out the Nobel Committee is gravely concerned that Adult Book Stores actually do not carry books. Apparently, by giving the award to me, they are trying to encourage more beer and stripper related literature.

Let me say, I am surprised and deeply honored by the award. Hopefully, one day, I'll be able to live up to the lofty ideals for which it was established!

Deeply Humbled,
Beer Commissioner

Beer Commissioner Speaks on Having Beer with the President

Beer Commissioner — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 22:31:00 GMT

This week I was thinking how wonderful it would be if one of my neighbors saw someone trying to shoulder jam their way into my house, and they would be so concerned they would call the police. I also thought, how wonderful it would be that the police immediately showed up.

What a utopian world? Your neighbor sees someone breaking into a house, they call the police and they immediately show up. That is the kind of stuff that only ever happens on the Andy Griffin Show.

However, we live in the 2000s, so let's screw this story up. Let's say the above happens. Now let's say the person who was doing the 'breaking in' was actually the resident, who is a highly regarded professor at the best university in the world outside of Tuscaloosa, Alabama, and he was busting his shoulder against the door because the door was jammed. Let's assume then when the police officer shows up, the professor who was busting in the house calls the cop a racist. Then let's further assume, the President of the United States, on national television says the police officer acted stupidly. Then let's further assume that the New York Times sends whatever reporters they don't have in Alaska to this guy's house to ask him why he is a racist cop.

Oh, but we aren't done, let's further assume that when the 'racist' cop's black partner says he would have arrested the professor for his actions related to busting into this own house. And let's further assume the racist cop actually teaches other cops how not to be racist, and how not to profile people of color.

Then, let's assume the President goes on national television again, admits that he regrets committing a huge controversy, but refuses to apologize to the cop, but the president invites the professor and the cop over to his house for a beer.

Had the last part not have happened, the Beer Commissioner would not be involved. But since the President of the United States is having a beer with a Professor Gates, Sgt. Crowley at the White House, I just had to interject myself into the situation. It is a little known fact, but, my beer sources told me what happened at today's meeting. Of course, I had to share with you.

President Obama: "Gentlemen I invited both of you here today to have a beer, hopefully let bygones be bygones. I also invited Vice President Biden here. As we all know, we all say things we regret, and Joe here, well, he's about as good as it gets in saying things he later regrets."

Joe Biden: "Actually I just came because I love Schlitz Malt Liquor."

Professor Gates: "This is what it's like to be a black man in America."

Sgt. Crowley: "I wouldn't know."

Joe Biden: "Hell Barack doesn't know either, he was born in Kenya."

President Obama stares intently at Joe Biden.

Joe Biden: "Did I miss something? Are we having Colt 45 instead?"

Professor Gates: "I should have stayed in China."

President Obama: "Sgt. Crowley, like I was saying, we all say stupid things,and that's why I asked Joe to sit in on this meeting."

Sgt. Crowley: "Yes, Mr. President, sometimes you just can't help who you work with some days."

Professor Gates squirms in his seat.

President Obama: "Well, lucky for you, you can arrest people that piss you off, Joe was on the ballot, so I'm kinda stuck with him for the next 4 years."

Joe Biden: "Hey Barack, do you have a funnel?"

Professor Gates: "Was Oprah not available?"

Sgt. Crowley: "Wasn't your book in her book club?"

President Obama and Professor Gates together: "Yes."

Joe Biden: "Hey, I plagarized a book once."

Professor Gates: "I think its time we cut Joe off the beer."

Joe Biden: "Oh its ok, I'm taking the train home."

President Obama: "Gentlemen, I'm really sorry about all this."

Sgt. Crowley: "Sir, I appreciate your apology."

Professor Gates: "I have got to get that damn door fixed."

Joe Biden: "Oh look, pretzels!"

President Obama: "Gentlemen thank you for coming."

Beer Commissioner Speaks on Committing Adultery

Beer Commissioner — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 21:37:00 GMT

Once again the Beer Commissioner is here to help. Yet another politician has lost his away, and has thrown his career down the proverbial toilet. I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of these poor politicians getting caught with their pants down, and having their promising careers ended long before they have the chance to sell a Senate seat, stuff cash in their freezer, or get indicted for making huge profits on land deals.

So, I've decided to write the Beer Commissioner's Adultery Primer for Politicians. By following my simple rules, any politician will save themselves from the shame of having to resign office long before they have the chance to swindle millions of taxpayer dollars, setting up their families for life, right before they are indicted.

First, say you are a Senator or a Congressman and you happen to like gay sex. Like I said many times before, the Beer Commissioner is a progressive guy. I don't care what kind of sex anyone has, or who you want to have sex with. That's your business, and I'm quite happy to stay out of your business. However, if you are a Senator or Congressman and you like having gay sex, avoid having gay sex in airport restroom stalls or with Capitol pages. You Senators and Congressmen go on junkets to high dollar resorts all the time. Do what everyone else does. Meet your boy toy through craigslist. Odds are the boy toy isn't going to know you are a Congressman or a Senator. Only about 40% of Americans know who the Vice-President is, do you really think they can identify the senior Senator from Idaho? I couldn't pick Larry Craig out of a photo line-up, but airport security had no problem frog marching him to his mug shot when he decided to play footsie in a airport bathroom. Also, avoid Capitol pages. Seriously, nothing good is going to come from having sex with a 16-18 year old employee. Besides, the pages only work for 6 week terms. Would it really kill you to wait 7 weeks when they are an ex-page?

Second, say you are a governor or a United States Senator and you like having sex with prostitutes. A Hollywood movie star was once asked why he paid for sex with a prostitute? He replied, I didn't pay for sex, I paid for them to leave. He didn't say I paid for them to leave and keep a secret. Ben Franklin once said, three people can keep a secret if 2 of them are dead. Seriously guys, do you really think a prostitute is going to keep her mouth shut about having sex with you? About once an election cycle, Larry Flynt offers up $1 million to anyone who has sexual dirt on a politician. Let's pretend for a second. Pretend you are Elliot Spitzer's prostitute, and Larry Flynt has just offered up $1 million for any dirt on a politician. What do you do if you are the prostitute? Easy, screw Gov. Spitzer, make him pay you the $4K, then make a copy of his credit card (for verification purposes) then call Larry Flynt. A little hint to the politicians: hookers are in the hooking business to make money, not friends, and not political connections. David Vitter, do you really think your hooker was just spending time with you because she wanted a vacant federal judgeship? If you politicians are so dumb that you think these hookers are not going to turn on you in a heartbeat when they have a chance to make money standing up, then you do not deserve the opportunity to hide $90,000.00 in your freezer.

Third, say you are a governor of a small southern state. And, let's just go crazy and assume that you like having sex with Argentine women. Hey, nothing wrong with that. Argentine women are beautiful. However, if you are a governor, it is generally not good to leave the country without telling ANYONE, including your wife, as to your whereabouts. Surely to heavens, the governor of a state can come up with a reason to visit just about any place. If you are so dumb, so as not to be able to come up with a reason to substantiate a weekend outside your state, then you are too dumb to have the opportunity to sell a Senate seat. Frankly, any wife who sits by, on Father's Day weekend and 'allows' her husband to go out of town for 5 days without knowing where he is going, or how to contact him, doesn't really have the right to be sitting in a governor's mansion either. As a married guy, with children, on Father's Day, I think it is reasonable, for a wife to insist, hemispherically speaking, where you will be.

Fourth, say you are President of the United States. Well....just don't smoke cigars with interns in blue dresses and you are home free.

Guys, it isn't that hard. Please follow the Beer Commissioner's Rules for Committing Adultery, and you too, will have the chance to fleece the electorate at will!

Beer Commissioner speaks on whining....

Beer Commissioner — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 16:19:00 GMT

I've officially had it. Americans need to get their collective sticks out of their nether regions. The people in this country whine entirely too much. I'm not sure when it started. My grandparents walked 20 miles to school each day, up-hill both ways, got an orange in their stocking for Christmas, and ate cardboard every meal of the year, and they didn't complain. They didn't have tv, telephones or the internet. Hell, they couldn't drink either, because they were in their teens and 20s during prohibition. They never whined. They told me so.

You didn't read about the peace-niks and the Greenpeacers being human shields during WWII. People didn't care if our president spent the week in Georgia with his mistress, let alone, going to dinner with his wife in New York. It seems everyone has to whine about something. Constantly.

A friend of our family broke his collarbone yesterday, doing of all things---PLAYING OUTSIDE. Kids just don't break bones anymore. Mrs. Commissioner and I were talking about that yesterday. I told her to think about it. When we were 7, there were 12 channels on the TV, there was no internet, Atari hadn't come out, and we were still 7 years away from the Commodore 64. We had to play outside, or, at least my dad would've used that white belt he had in his closet to spank me. As a consequence of playing outside, we fell out of trees we climbed, broke bones trying to jump things on our bike, or broke arms playing football in the backyard. My parents personally sent all of my orthopoedic surgeon's kids to college, with my help.

I'm not sure when the whining started. It starts around 6:00 a.m. every morning in my house. It starts with "I want a poptart", "I want milk", " I want Wow Wow Wubbzy". Every morning, and every evening ends the exact same way. The middle of the day is filled with whining too. And not from the little deputies, but from the news and our elected officials and professional agitators. I'm telling you, I've seen the most absurd news stories of late coming out of Washington. Today, Senator Boxer was whining to some General to call her Senator, instead of the highly offensive term, "ma'am". Since when did "ma'am" become a derrogatory term? It is proper ettiquette to address the Queen as "ma'am", although they pronounce it as mum, yet Senator Boxer felt the need to berate and whine to a general that she earned her title and wished it to be used.

Then yesterday the President is about to give an interview. A fly was buzzing the tower. The President did what apparently everyone not in PETA does, he swatted the fly and killed it. The PETA folks went completely nuts that he killed the fly, and suggested he should have a humane fly catching trap to safely and humanely release the fly back into the environment. I'd suggest putting one in his Christmas stocking, but surely someone will whine about the hanging of a Christmas stocking in the White House. I only mention PETA because I tried to send my wife's, dearly departed cat to Peru for the cat eating festival in hopes of getting PETA to protest me, but no such luck. I noticed PETA apparently had no problems when the President ordered the Navy Seals to kill 3 teenagers a few months ago for swashbuckling activities in the Indian Ocean. Imagine the outrage had the President ordered the seals to take out a whale instead of the three kids?

Since when have we reached the point in this country when we cannot refer to a woman as "ma'am", or we can't swat a fly? If things get much more out of control, Jose Canseco is going to sue baseball for allowing him to use steroids. Oh, but that will never happen.

C'mon people, relax a bit, enjoy a nice cold beer, and don't sweat the small stuff. It will be ok. I promise.

Beer Commissioner Speaks on his More Great Places to Drink Beer

Beer Commissioner — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 20:36:00 GMT

The Commish had a great weekend. Mrs. Commissioner sent me on what she affectionately referred to as a bro-mance weekend with my friends Brad and Kevin. Brad is stationed in the Navy in Japan, and Kevin lives 'just' outside of Philadelphia. The Navy saw fit to send the good Lieutenant to Naval Justice school in Rhode Island. Brad was furloughed for the weekend, so we converged on Philadelphia.

After being picked up at the airport, we of course headed straight to the bar. I enjoyed a few Yuengling's then it was home. Of course, we made the obligatory stop for snacks. I picked up 3 cases of Tastykakes.

On Saturday we basically pub crawled through Philadelphia, prior to seeing the WORLD CHAMPION PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES. Two places stood out as superior beer drinking establishments, which will now be awarded the Beer Commissioner's Award of Distinguished, and are now therefore, among the Beer Commissioner's Best Places to Drink Beer.

First, we went to Monk's Cafe on Spruce Street. Monk's specializes in Belgian beers. I'm not sure how many different varieties of beer they had, but let's just say if you went there every single day and had a beer, it would take you way more than a year to have one of everything. In addition to the vast selection of beers, all of the Belgian beers were served in the appropriate mug. The ambiance of the place was great. Certainly no fern bar, but just a good old fashioned drinking pub. After having a beer or 3 at Monk's we strolled a bit further and found Tria.

Tria is a fern bar type of place. Definately the type of place you take a sophisticated sort of date. They serve fine wines, good cheese selections and a wonderful beer selection. I tried the Stone IPA, which was absolutely wonderful. The wait staff was great, and our bar babe was a major hottie.

After our pub crawl we headed to Citizen's Bank Park to see the WORLD CHAMPION PHILLIES. Of course, more beer, cheesesteaks, rain delays, terrible fielding, but a wonderfully great time. I wish the trip would have been longer. The weather was wonderful as well. Highs around 72 with no humidity. Of course when I landed back in New Orleans, and it was 98 with 100 percent humidity I was reminded of the old WC Fields quote, "All in all, I'd rather be in Philadelphia."