Your Beer Commissioner just returned from his annual pilgrimage to Missouri to visit the Commissioner-in-laws, and to otherwise celebrate Thanksgiving.  On the beer related front, we stopped at the Schafly Brewhouse in St. Louis, had a great lunch, and sampled some beer.

I know what you are thinking?  Beer?  The Beer Commissioner doesn't write about beer, the beer commissioner writes about strippers.  Everyone knows, a visit to my in-laws is not complete without a visit to the Fantasy Ranch.  Sadly, my dear readers, August 28, 2010 is a day that has changed the visits to my in-laws forever, or at least until a more pagan administration overtakes the governor's mansion in Jefferson City.

You see folks, on August 28, 2010, the fine people of the Show Me State, decided they didn't want strippers to show me anything.  The Show Me State, decided that strippers are no longer allowed to strip.  There is absolutely no nudity allowed in strip clubs within the state of Missouri.  Of course, I didn't know there was no nudity allowed in strip clubs in Missouri until Mrs. Commissioner and I dropped $40 to gain access to the Fantasy Ranch.

For those of you who are not followers of my blog, here is a little background information.  First is the Beer Commissioner's Guide to Strip Club Economics, and second, here is my blog about Taco Night at the Fantasy Ranch. http://blog.beercommissioner.com/2010/01/18/beer-commissioner-speaks-on-taco-night-at-the-fantasy-ranch.aspx   http://blog.beercommissioner.com/2008/06/21/bc-on-strip-club-econ.aspx

As you can see, from last year's epic trip to the Fantasy Ranch, Mrs. Commissioner and I were more than eager to get back.  Mrs. Commissioner attempted to pull the free coupons off the Fantasy Ranch website prior to making the journey, as she and I are both loathe to pay cover charges at strip clubs.  A combination of a dial up connection at the commissioner-in-laws, a dot-matrix printer, and we had no luck getting the free-coupons printed.  Mrs. Commissioner decided she would just show the door guy the coupons on her i-phone when we got there.  Turns out there is no 3g network in the middle of nowhere Missouri, so we had to drop $40 to get in the door.  The disappointment level didn't stop there.

The first thing I noticed upon walking in the door, were the absence of glowing neon signs reading 'Totally Nude Bed Dances'.  I figured, since we were there early, maybe they hadn't turned them on.    It turns out however, they were just gone.  Mrs. Commissioner and I sat next to the stage.  The first young lady was twirling around, and I noticed, she was wearing pasties.  Never, EVER a good sign.  Again, I figured this was a day shift thing, maybe?  But, again, no.

Anyway, after a short while, the night shift girls took the stage, and things started looking up.  First on stage was the lovely and talented C.J., the star of last year's trip to the fantasy ranch.  C.J. did her two songs, and not one article of clothing left her body.  Not a single one.  She literally could have walked off the stage and into a Sunday school class and nobody would have said anything. 

At this point, my disappointment is overwhelming.  I ask the bartender, what on earth is going on.  She then tells me than on August 28, 2010, the State of Missouri made it illegal for strippers to take off their clothes in strip clubs.  No nudity allowed whatsoever.  She then told us, the Fantasy Ranch was the last operating 'strip club' in the state.  Mrs. Commissioner and I sat around for another hour or so, and watched what turned out to be the worst burlesque show ever conceived.  Several girls asked us if we wanted "VIP lap dances", but informed us, they wouldn't be getting naked.  This is like asking me if I want to drive an Indy car and then telling me I can't take it above 55 mph.  What's the point?

For some reason I feel like I lost a family member.  All my future tales of adventure from Cole Camp, Missouri are now going to be limited to going to the Elk's Lodge, and listening to stories from the good old days at Cole Camp High and the Fighting Blue Birds.  I have no earthly idea what knucklehead thought it was a good idea to get rid of strip clubs, but they ought to be thrown out of office immediately.  My personal entertainment is at stake.  If any other state tries this stunt, I'm organizing a boycott.  Thank goodness I live a stone throw from Bourbon Street.  Surely they won't try that stuff here.