I was reading the news, and saw a story a few days ago that Stephen Hawking believes in aliens, but believes we shouldn't try to contact them because they may hurt us.  First, why is this news? and second why do we care?  My guess is Stephen Hawking is about to start selling some type of alien detection system at $599.99 a pop so that you will be the first person to know that you are going to be vaporized by aliens.  This kind of alarmist news is what gives the Beer Commissioner a viagra induced hard-on.  The only problem with Stephen Hawking's prediction, is that you can't blame EVERYTHING bad on it, like global warming. 

So, I sat down in the chair in my butter colored office, and came up with a global crisis that nobody can do anything about, that will cause the destruction of everyone, that can be blamed solely on Republicans, and be a financial boon to Al Gore. Otherwise, what's the point of having a global crisis?

What is this crisis you ask?  Excessive gravity.  You heard me.  Excessive gravity is the cause of everything evil in the world.  I can prove it too.

To start a true global crisis, you need a scientific study.  I have one.  The study was done by the Rand Corporation, entitled Weight Gain Trends Across Sociodemographic Groups in the United States, by Khoa Dang Truong, M.Phil and Roland Strum, P.hd.  This study looked at the weight gains of Americans from 1986 until 2004 in the United States.  Other countries were not looked at, because if there is a global crisis, it can only be caused and/or fixed in the United States.  So, who really cares if people gained weight in Chad?  Excessive gravity isn't likely to excessively impact Chad anyway, as there isn't alot of stuff in Chad.

Our study concluded that poor people gained weight each year from 1986 until 2004.  The study also concluded black and hispanic folks gained more weight than rich republican types of people.  So, clearly we have different dynamics at work here.  Either the study is racist because otherwise it seems unfair that black and hispanic people would gain more weight than rich republican types, or there is a natural cause....a REASON people actually gained more weight.  The reason...excessive gravity.  People didn't really gain more weight, they stayed the same, it is just that the earth's gravitational pull weighed on those persons more than the rich republicans.  Why not the rich Republicans?  Well is it a coincedence Ronald Reagan was president when this study started?  I think not.  Is it a coincidence Rush Limbaugh started his radio show shortly after this study began?  I think not.  Conspiracy types call up Governor Ventura, his book needs another chapter.

It is a fact, people gained weight. It is a fact, these people didn't try to gain weight.  It is a fact these people are surely not the cause of their weight gain, so something had to happen.  Excessive gravity is the only conclusion.  What other effects does gravity have?  We know that gravity controls the tides.  Because the gravity is excessive the tides are higher and more extreme.  These high and extreme tides caused the tsunami in Indonesia, Hurricane Katrina and are the reason the Maldives are soon to be completely under water.

Excessive gravity has also caused all the recent earthquakes.  The excessive gravity is pulling on the earth's tectonic plates too much, and is causing the rumblings all around the ring of fire, and is sole cause of the recent spate of geological activity.  The excesssive gravity is also the cause of the volcanic eruption in Iceland.  The excessive gravity caused the magma to just squirt out from under the earth and blow to the surface.

Lastly, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.  Corporate ineptitude? Negligence? Malfeasance?  No, a platform collapsed.  Why?  Excessive gravity.  If we don't do something soon, excessive gravity is going to cause every other oil platform in the world to collapse, possibly as soon as tomorrow afternoon. 

Kids are also doing poorer in school.  The cause?  Excessive gravity.  Kids are getting headaches from the extra force put on their brains by the gravity, and they are unable to complete their work.  Democrats of course, have been warning us for years that the kids have been doing poorly in school.  Republicans have ignored this excessive gravity hoax, and blamed the poor results on crappy schools, teachers and unions.  Democrats argue the Republicans indifference has caused yet another generation of kids to go uneducated through no fault of their own.

Polar bears are dying at alarming rates, because the seals are sinking because they can't swim with the excessive weight caused by the excessive gravity, and if something isn't done to increase the bouyancy of seals, our great, great, great grandchildren may never see a polar bear.

Fortunately it is rumored, Nancy Pelosi and Al Gore have a plan to stop excessive gravity.  Supposedly they will propose a 9000% percent increase on sugar so people will actually lose weight.  This will have the effect of the earth not putting so much weight on the tectonic plates, causing fewer earthquakes.  They have also suggested that all new buildings should be built with bamboo products.  Surprisingly, Al Gore and Harry Reid have formed a company that will import bamboo from China, and have cut deals with the Chinese government to import all the bamboo we need so that lighter buildings can be built, easing the burden on the tectonic plates.  Republicans, of course, oppose this.

Al Gore and Danny Glover are making a movie about excessive gravity.  The movie shows what the earth looked like during the Carter administration, when everyone was skinnier, and what it looks like now after 20 years of Republican presidents.  It is foreboding.  Rumor has it, they are going to win Oscars.

President Obama also weighed in on the excessive gravity issue.  Today he issued an order stopping all offshore drilling.  Of course, it was Republicans who so eloquently stated, drill baby drill!, thus firing the first salvo in the anti-excessive gravity movement.  Well, apparently they aren't believers that excessive gravity is going to cause every oil platform in the world to collapse.  The President however is.  Just remember, you heard it here first.