Once again it is that time of the year, where 'we' are supposed to show the love of our lives how much our relationship means to us by buying, in order of importance, 1) diamonds, 2) red roses, 3) dinner, 4) tickets to some stupid chick flick movie and 5) a $9 greeting card that says all kinds of crap about your relationship.  Yes, we know I am speaking about Valentine's Day.  Most annoying day of the year.

You noticed, I used the term "we".  In this case, "we" does not mean everyone in a relationship.  "We" means, everyone that has to use the men's room.  I have yet to see a commercial, suggesting that women buy their men, 1) a rolex, 2) week at fantasy camp in Florida, 3) dinner at Hooter's, 4) tickets to professional wrestling, or, at a bare minimum a case of our favorite beer.  Women apparently AREN'T supposed to buy men anything for Valentine's Day.  Who is telling women to buy us anything?  It sure as hell isn't Kay Jewelers.

Is, this, or is this not, a holiday about "LOVE" and relationships?  If it isn't, then let's not call it Valentine's Day, let's call it buy shit for your girlfriend/wife/mother/anyone you care about without a penis day.  If it is, it is about time for some equal rights.  Gloria Allred has been running around for years screaming for equal rights.  She is on TV more than Al Sharpton screaming about something, but I promise you, she has never bought a man anything in her life for Valentine's Day.

I have brought this up to women lots of times.  They ALL tell me, oh, we always get our husband/boyfriend, something for Valentine's Day.  I say, really, like what?  Well, I got him a card.  Ohhhhhhhh.  A card.  What else?  (Picture crickets chirping). That is always the answer.  Several years ago, I decided, I'm going to take the bull by the horns.  I'm going to test this Valentine's Day is about celebrating your relationship crap.  Any good scientist comes up with a hypothesis, and then tests it.  So, that's what I did.  My hypothesis was, Valentine's Day is not about celebrating your relationship by showing your significant other you love them, it is purely about buying shit for your woman.

I tested this hypothesis about 12 years ago, when I was in a previous relationship.  Here is the completely true story.  It was a Monday, circa 1997-1999. It was Valentine's Day.  I had not done crap. No roses, no chocolates, no dinner reservations, no plans whatsoever.  I got up, drove to work to my office in downtown, Birmingham, Alabama, and was listening to my regular morning show on radio.  The radio announcers were giving away 2 ringside seats to WCW Monday Nitro, which was being held that night...Valentine's Day.  You had to answer their trivia question to win the tickets.  Now, a little Beer Commissioner background.  I have watched professional wrestling, virtually every week of my life from the time I was 3 until, well, this past Monday (and I'm not inferring that I've quit watching wrestling).  My dad used to take me to see Andre the Giant at the Hersheypark Arena. I saw Superfly Snuka come off the top rope.  I saw Hulkamania run wild.

So, the announcers ask the trivia question, which was quite simply, "Who is the greatest wrestler North of Hell and South of Mars?"  I instantly knew the answer was none other than the Macho Man Randy Savage.  Now, remember this is the late 90s. I had a bag phone in my car, and cell phone prices back then were around $9000 a minute, so I didn't call in the answer.  I listened to knucklehead after knucklehead get the answer wrong.  I get to the office, run to my desk, call the radio station, got through, and answered the question.  Friends, the Beer Commissioner scored 2 ringside seats to WCW Monday Nitro, on Valentine's Day.  I immediately called my partner, the Grand Wizard Bitch of Making Men Miserable, and told her we had plans for Valentine's Day.  I didn't tell her what they were, but I'd be home around 4:30, we'd go to dinner.  She of course, wanted to know what to wear, etc.  I told her, it didn't matter (and really, did it?) . 

Imagine her surprise when we parked at the Birmingham Jefferson Civic Center, and she saw the marquee.  She looked at me, and said, is this a joke?  And, I said, is what a joke?  She asked, if I was REALLY taking her to see professional wrestling on Valentine's Day.  I told her, not only was I taking her to see professional wrestling, but I was going to buy her a hotdog, and she was sitting ringside!  I even told her, that I thought it would be cool if we got matching NWO (New World Order) t-shirts, since we were going to be on tv.  I told her, I called my brother and told him, so he could watch.  I then said, I told him what my sign would say.  She asked me in a quizical look, 'what sign?' I proudly displayed the 3' x 3' sign I made at work, which said "I am the LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR'  I thought it was cool and catchy.

Can you believe, on a day, when we were supposed to be celebrating our relationship, and making our partners happy, she said, 'you go have fun, I'm sitting in the car?'  I swear to you, she sat in the car.  But this wasn't a happy, you go have fun thing.  This was a you go have fun and I'm going to think what a dick you are, and when we get home I'm going to call every woman on the planet and tell them what an asshole you are, and oh by the way, I'm a martyr and should be in the Gloria Allred Hall of Fame kindof have fun.  I left her a ticket and went into the arena.  She did come in later, but she wouldn't put on the t-shirt I bought for her, and she treated me like I arranged to have her dogs sodomized.  After this reaction, and the subsequent fallout, I easily concluded Valentine's Day, at least from the women's perspective is about getting expensive stuff.  It certainly, isn't about making your man happy, and I sure was happy.

So, my advice to all my Beer Drinking Brothers out there.  If you want to have a good Valentine's Day and be happy, YOU make the plans, and if the WWE is in town, by all means, buy tickets.