Today is Game 1 of the World Series, where my beloved WORLD CHAMPION PHILLIES take on the hated Yankees, whom I really don't hate, but the Yankees are in the way of me being able to type WORLD CHAMPION PHILLIES for another year, so for those purposes I hate them.

I just got back from the grocery store, where I was provisioning myself for tonight's game.  Beer, pretzels, potato chips, bacon and frozen mini-tacos were purchased for the event.  My trip to the check-out line was delayed by one of the last 12 people on earth that actually use a checkbook.  Since the Beer Commissioner is a public service oriented type of guy, I dedicate this blog to those 12 people who actually still use a checkbook.

I decided to write this blog, while standing in line at the grocery store, and watched the grocery clerk scan approximately 200 items.  At the conclusion of the scanning of the items, the grocery clerk then informed the lady in front of me the price of her groceries.  Telling this woman she had to pay for her groceries, apparently was a complete surprise, because she acted like she had no idea she actually had to pay for the groceries, because it was not until that exact time, that the lady began spelunking through her Grand Canyon sized purse for her checkbook.  The trip through the purse was not yet over.  The lady then sat the purse down in the buggy, and dove in, head first apparently to find a pen.  I say apparently, because she waved it around like an olympic torch when she emerged from the confines of her purse.  She then began to write the check.  Then, a third trip was made into the purse, this time, for a calculator, so she could subtract from her checkbook ledger the price of the groceries.

After the check was written, the clerk, to the disappointment of us all, requested to see the woman's driver's license, which was in a completely different wallet, which was buried in the catycomb portion of the purse.  After all the check writing, math figuring and ID showing, we had to order up a key-turn.  I never realized why on earth the grocery store needs the manager to turn a key everytime someone writes a check, but I figured it out today.  It is much nicer and customer friendly to say, key turn on register 4, than to say, hey manager, come look at this dumbass that still writes a check.

Now, before I help you people, I need to identify who the people are that need helping.  There are three ways to tell if you are the idiot that still uses a checkbook, and you need to be told of this great new invention. 

First, are you in a grocery store and writing a check, if so, look at the person behind you, if you see me, you are a moron that needs my help.

Second, when the television stations switched from analog to digital service, and you could no longer watch television, you need my help.

Third, do you spend 4 hours one weekend a month, putting stamps on envelopes containing your monthly bills? If  so, you are wasting your life away, and you need my help.

If you fit the above, this advice is for you.  There is this great invention called a DEBIT CARD.  They look like a credit card, but they act like a check.  All you have to do is scan the card, and the money magically comes out of your checking account.  Poof! Just like that!  No more digging through big purses looking for pens, checkbooks and IDs. No sir! No more embarrassing key turns at the cash register!  No more writer's cramp! No more silly math!  All you have to do is call your bank and say, I want a debit card, and within 7 days one will be delivered RIGHT TO YOUR DOOR!  Imagine not having to spend hours paying bills.  You'll get out of the grocery store in 10 fewer minutes! 

So, assuming your bank hasn't been taken over by the government, or has failed, you too can get a DEBIT CARD.  For the love of GOD, act now!