Much has been made this past week about awarding President Obama the Nobel Peace Prize.  People were quick to note the nomination deadline was a mere 11 days after his inaguration as president.  The Nobel Committee pointed out the Nobel Prize for Peace was not awarded for anything President Obama had actually done, but they awarded him the Prize to encourage him to actually do what he said he is going to do.

After all the hubbub this created, the Nobel Committee went back and revoked all other awards, and re-awarded them based on the new standard, of not actually doing anything, but just saying you are going to do something.

The Office of the Beer Commissioner was given special, exclusive access to the new awards, and I am going to announce them here.

The Nobel Prize for Medicine is awarded to M.D. Anderson hospital in Houston, Texas.  Yes, M.D. Anderson has just built a brand-new $8 billion dollar cancer wing at their facility.  Truly M.D. Anderson is a wonderful hospital, and if I ever draw life's short straw and am diagnosed with cancer, that will be my first trip.  That being said, M.D. Anderson wants to cure cancer.  Their research doctors are among the best in the world, and they are diligently working to cure cancer, and the Beer Commissioner certainly hopes they do it.  The Nobel Prize for medicine is awarded to M.D. Anderson hospital because they say they actually want to cure cancer. They haven't done it yet, but they want to.  I'm sure this will get done shortly after that $8 billion dollar edition to their hospital is paid for, but, they are getting the award, because they intend to do it.

The Nobel Prize for economics goes to Robert Mugabe, the president of Nigeria.  President Mugabe has quietly presided over one of the greatest redistribution of wealth exercises in history.  He has taken farmland that has belonged to generations of farmers, and has given it to the poor and displaced of his country.  The result is that the poor and displaced in the country have no idea how to farm, and they are now starving because the farmers have been driven from their land.  The entire economy in Nigeria has collapsed, and the inflaction rate is something around 20 million percent (I am not making this up).  The country actually issues 100,000,000,000 billion dollar notes.  President Mugabe says he is going to fix the Nigerian ecomony.  He has no intention of giving the lands back to the farmers, but he says he wants to do it.  He is going to start by reducing the price of eggs from $3 billion to the more reasonable price of $1 billion per dozen.  The Nobel Committee wants to help him with his efforts, and is awarding Robert Mugabe the Nobel Prize for economics.

The Nobel Prize for chemistry goes to InBev.  Since buying American Brewing giant Anheiser Busch, InBev stated they wanted to keep the great American beer drinking tradition alive and well.  InBev then gave us Bud Light Wheat.  InBev, bless their hearts wanted to give us a good beer to help keep the American beer drinking tradition alive and well, but unfortunately they gave us Bud Light Wheat.  We want to encourage InBev and all beer makers to give us great beers to drink.  Imagine giving the peace prize to a guy who just announced he is sending 40,000 more troops to a country to escalate a war? Makes no sense.  That is why InBev deserves the Nobel Prize for chemistry!

The Nobel Prize for literature has been given to....surprisingly, me!  Yes, I haven't posted a blog in 3 months.  Yes, my website gets approximately 10 hits a day.  The Nobel Committee wants to encourage my efforts in writing more about strippers.  Apparently there is a huge gap in that literature.  It turns out the Nobel Committee is gravely concerned that Adult Book Stores actually do not carry books.  Apparently, by giving the award to me, they are trying to encourage more beer and stripper related literature. 

Let me say, I am surprised and deeply honored by the award.  Hopefully, one day, I'll be able to live up to the lofty ideals for which it was established!

Deeply Humbled,
Beer Commissioner