Once again the Beer Commissioner is here to help.  Yet another politician has lost his away, and has thrown his career down the proverbial toilet.  I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of these poor politicians getting caught with their pants down, and having their promising careers ended long before they have the chance to sell a Senate seat, stuff cash in their freezer, or get indicted for making huge profits on land deals.

So, I've decided to write the Beer Commissioner's Adultery Primer for Politicians.  By following my simple rules, any politician will save themselves from the shame of having to resign office long before they have the chance to swindle millions of taxpayer dollars, setting up their families for life, right before they are indicted.

First, say you are a Senator or a Congressman and you happen to like gay sex.  Like I said many times before, the Beer Commissioner is a progressive guy. I don't care what kind of sex anyone has, or who you want to have sex with. That's your business, and I'm quite happy to stay out of your business.  However, if you are a Senator or Congressman and you like having gay sex, avoid having gay sex in airport restroom stalls or with Capitol pages.  You Senators and Congressmen go on junkets to high dollar resorts all the time.  Do what everyone else does. Meet your boy toy through craigslist.  Odds are the boy toy isn't going to know you are a Congressman or a Senator.  Only about 40% of Americans know who the Vice-President is, do you really think they can identify the senior Senator from Idaho?  I couldn't pick Larry Craig out of a photo line-up, but airport security had no problem frog marching him to his mug shot when he decided to play footsie in a airport bathroom.  Also, avoid Capitol pages.  Seriously, nothing good is going to come from having sex with a 16-18 year old employee.  Besides, the pages only work for 6 week terms.  Would it really kill you to wait 7 weeks when they are an ex-page? 

Second, say you are a governor or a United States Senator and you like having sex with prostitutes.  A Hollywood movie star was once asked why he paid for sex with a prostitute?  He replied, I didn't pay for sex, I paid for them to leave.  He didn't say I paid for them to leave and keep a secret.  Ben Franklin once said, three people can keep a secret if 2 of them are dead.  Seriously guys, do you really think a prostitute is going to keep her mouth shut about having sex with you?  About once an election cycle, Larry Flynt offers up $1 million to anyone who has sexual dirt on a politician.  Let's pretend for a second.  Pretend you are Elliot Spitzer's prostitute, and Larry Flynt has just offered up $1 million for any dirt on a politician.  What do you do if you are the prostitute?  Easy, screw Gov. Spitzer, make him pay you the $4K, then make a copy of his credit card (for verification purposes) then call Larry Flynt.  A little hint to the politicians: hookers are in the hooking business to make money, not friends, and not political connections.  David Vitter, do you really think your hooker was just spending time with you because she wanted a vacant federal judgeship?  If you politicians are so dumb that you think these hookers are not going to turn on you in a heartbeat when they have a chance to make money standing up, then you do not deserve the opportunity to hide $90,000.00 in your freezer.

Third, say you are a governor of a small southern state. And, let's just go crazy and assume that you like having sex with Argentine women.  Hey, nothing wrong with that.  Argentine women are beautiful.  However, if you are a governor, it is generally not good to leave the country without telling ANYONE, including your wife, as to your whereabouts.  Surely to heavens, the governor of a state can come up with a reason to visit just about any place.  If you are so dumb, so as not to be able to come up with a reason to substantiate a weekend outside your state, then you are too dumb to have the opportunity to sell a Senate seat.  Frankly, any wife who sits by, on Father's Day weekend and 'allows' her husband to go out of town for 5 days without knowing where he is going, or how to contact him, doesn't really have the right to be sitting in a governor's mansion either.  As a married guy, with children, on Father's Day, I think it is reasonable, for a wife to insist, hemispherically speaking, where you will be. 

Fourth, say you are President of the United States.  Well....just don't smoke cigars with interns in blue dresses and you are home free.

Guys, it isn't that hard.  Please follow the Beer Commissioner's Rules for Committing Adultery, and you too, will have the chance to fleece the electorate at will!