Life sometimes serves up disappointment.  You deal with it and move on to other things.  Nothing is more disappointing than missing out on an opportunity you didn't even know existed.  I am distraught on the opportunity I apparently missed with the passage of the latest federal budget.  The story is here: www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/05/08/government-funds-study-gay-sex-argentina-bars/.

Folks, this goes down into the Greatest Missed Opportunities Ever by the Beer Commissioner category.  Our United States government decided to give some college professor in Argentina $400,000.00 to study why men have risky sex in Argentine gay bars.  For real. I'm not making this up.  Why was this not posted on monster.com?  Why isn't there a website that publishes these opportunities?  Why did I not get an email from my congressman that said, Dear Beer Commissioner, would you volunteer to take $400,000.00 to study and tell us why gay men in Argentina engage in risky gay sex in bars, because if you don't take it, we are going to find someone who will?

Now, the obvious question is, what makes me qualified for this? Do I speak Spanish? No, but I can find a couple of Mexican guys at the Home Depot who do.  Have I ever been to Argentina?  No, but I have seen Evita, and I still think Madonna is hot.  Am I gay? No, but I do think Madonna is hot.  Have I ever been in a bar? Well duh.  Have I ever been in a gay bar?  I live in New Orleans, of course.  And finally, do I have any idea what causes people in bars to engage in unsafe sexual activities?  Well of course I do.

So, I have concluded the in-depth study, citations included.  People go to bars to drink and have a good time. (See the epic film Roadhouse).  Bars traditionally serve alcoholic beverages, including beer, wine and hard liquor.  (See the classic television show Cheers!).  When people go to bars, and consume alcoholic beverages, their libido tends to rise, creating sexual arousal and the loss of inhibitions. (See the epic film Cocktail)  If toward the end of the night, the drunk and uninhibited person has still not found a hook-up, their standards and inhibitions lower even more in an attempt to satisfy their sexual needs. (See generally, the term 'Beer Goggling').  This phenomenon is not limited to heterosexual couples (See the film, Priscilla Queen of the Desert).  Based upon these undisputed facts, gay men in Argentina go to bars to drink and have a good time. As a result of their drinking, they get horny. The later it gets in the evening, the drunker and hornier they get, they throw caution to the wind and hook up with any random guy they see fit to satisfy their urges and desires.  They'd most likely engage in safe sex, but the condom dispenser in the bathroom was broken.

Please forward the $400,000.00 to me as soon as possible.