Beer Commissioner is here to help!
People ask me all the time what I want to be when I grow up. As if being Beer Commissioner isn't rewarding enough, I either respond with Benevolent Dictator or Eccentric Philanthropist. I believe I'd be well suited in either profession. However, hard as it is sometimes, I do try to live in reality. I don't have enough money to be eccentric or a philanthropist, and last I checked there isn't a vast citizenry anywhere calling for me to lead them.
That is not to say that I won't help where I see injustice, or a person in trouble. Imagine my surprise this morning when I got an email from the 'Contact the Commission' feature on my website. The email was a desperate call for the Beer Commissioner's help (I note the email said 'Dear ,' with no name). Here is the email, and below, you will see my response.
That is not to say that I won't help where I see injustice, or a person in trouble. Imagine my surprise this morning when I got an email from the 'Contact the Commission' feature on my website. The email was a desperate call for the Beer Commissioner's help (I note the email said 'Dear ,' with no name). Here is the email, and below, you will see my response.
From:Miss Liann Koko.
LOME-TOGO.WEST AFRICA
contact with your private email... libaby.1990@yahoo.com
Dear ,
Please forgive any inconvenience this email might cause you considering the fact that we have not communicated with each other prior to this message.I am 18 years old Miss Lilian Koko,from Lome-Togo,I am an orphan an an only child,Please Permit me because I want you to help me transfer my inherited fund USD$3,350,000.00 (Three Million,Three Hundred And Fifty Thousand United States Dollars)to overseas.
Please let me know what will be your commission in this regards since i will also like you to assist me to come over to overseas to further my education after the funds is transfered into your account. As soon as i receive your reply i will give you the information of the bank where the money was deposited by my late father of which i am the bonafide heir.
All I require from you is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through.
Thanks and God bless.
Miss .Koko.
Contact with your private phone & email...
libaby.1990@yahoo.com
Dear Miss Koko,
Thank you so much for your email, and let me begin by saying how very sorry I am for your loss. Let me assure you your email is not at all an inconvenience to me. In fact, you are the second person this year to email me through the 'Contact the Commish' feature on my website, and the first submission was an email from a pharmaceutical representative asking me if I wanted a bigger penis. So not only is your email not an inconvenience, it is a welcome distraction in light of the windfall of cash I'm about to receive for assisting you.
Please understand, I fully intend to assist you, but your email has several questions for me that I need answered, so I can determine the best course of action in assisting you. I read Oliver Twist, and I understand the plight of orphans, and the guilt I would feel by leading you astray would weigh mightily on me.
I had a friend that went to Togo several years ago. He told me a tragic story about how one of the rigging lines to their ship broke, and tragically killed one of the Togalese workers at the port. He said, the village cheiftain came on board, and demanded damages for the life of the lost worker. A price was worked out to pay the family of the deceased 3000 CFA Francs, which represented 20 years of wages. Someone quickly determined the sum worked out to be about $6.20 US. The family was paid, and the ship left. Interestingly, my friend left the country of Togo with the distinct impression the GDP of the entire country was about $500,000.00. So, out of curiosity, I wonder what line of work your father was in to have such a vast sum of money?
I am also very curious as to what bank your father used? This could be important to know, as several of these banks have been flagged by Amercian banking regulators, and it may not be possible to transfer money to an American bank. Fortunately for you, I have an account in Antigua, which I was required to open so I could continue playing pokerstars. Unfortunately for you, most of the banks in Antigua were closed last week because yet another billionaire hedge fund manager had set up pyramid schemes using Antiguan banks. Because of the world financial crisis, many banks are being closed, and several assets have been frozen. Time may be of the essence, and I would urge you to send me your father's banking information immediately, so we can get working on this funds transfer. I'm sure there are legalities involved. As an heiress, I know you understand.
Also, you stated you wanted to enroll in school. Where would you like to go? What would you like to study? If I'm going to arrange for you to travel overseas, I need to know. As you know 75% of the world is covered in water, so virtually everyplace is overseas. I need to know where you'd like to wind up. I'd hate to enroll you at the University of Tehran, especially if your parents, God rest their souls, were Israeli immigrants. That could make your situation more difficult. On the other hand, if your father was a goat herder, it might make sense to enroll you at Auburn, which is located in Southwest Georgia somewhere. Burt Reynolds made a movie about it back in the early 70s. There was lots of banjo playing. If you don't like banjos, you might not like Auburn. As you can see, I need answers to these questions.
Only after I have an answer to these questions will I be able to inform you of the commission I would charge.
I look forward to helping you, and anticipate your speedy response.
Sincerely,
Beer Commissioner
LOME-TOGO.WEST AFRICA
contact with your private email... libaby.1990@yahoo.com
Dear ,
Please forgive any inconvenience this email might cause you considering the fact that we have not communicated with each other prior to this message.I am 18 years old Miss Lilian Koko,from Lome-Togo,I am an orphan an an only child,Please Permit me because I want you to help me transfer my inherited fund USD$3,350,000.00 (Three Million,Three Hundred And Fifty Thousand United States Dollars)to overseas.
Please let me know what will be your commission in this regards since i will also like you to assist me to come over to overseas to further my education after the funds is transfered into your account. As soon as i receive your reply i will give you the information of the bank where the money was deposited by my late father of which i am the bonafide heir.
All I require from you is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through.
Thanks and God bless.
Miss .Koko.
Contact with your private phone & email...
libaby.1990@yahoo.com
Dear Miss Koko,
Thank you so much for your email, and let me begin by saying how very sorry I am for your loss. Let me assure you your email is not at all an inconvenience to me. In fact, you are the second person this year to email me through the 'Contact the Commish' feature on my website, and the first submission was an email from a pharmaceutical representative asking me if I wanted a bigger penis. So not only is your email not an inconvenience, it is a welcome distraction in light of the windfall of cash I'm about to receive for assisting you.
Please understand, I fully intend to assist you, but your email has several questions for me that I need answered, so I can determine the best course of action in assisting you. I read Oliver Twist, and I understand the plight of orphans, and the guilt I would feel by leading you astray would weigh mightily on me.
I had a friend that went to Togo several years ago. He told me a tragic story about how one of the rigging lines to their ship broke, and tragically killed one of the Togalese workers at the port. He said, the village cheiftain came on board, and demanded damages for the life of the lost worker. A price was worked out to pay the family of the deceased 3000 CFA Francs, which represented 20 years of wages. Someone quickly determined the sum worked out to be about $6.20 US. The family was paid, and the ship left. Interestingly, my friend left the country of Togo with the distinct impression the GDP of the entire country was about $500,000.00. So, out of curiosity, I wonder what line of work your father was in to have such a vast sum of money?
I am also very curious as to what bank your father used? This could be important to know, as several of these banks have been flagged by Amercian banking regulators, and it may not be possible to transfer money to an American bank. Fortunately for you, I have an account in Antigua, which I was required to open so I could continue playing pokerstars. Unfortunately for you, most of the banks in Antigua were closed last week because yet another billionaire hedge fund manager had set up pyramid schemes using Antiguan banks. Because of the world financial crisis, many banks are being closed, and several assets have been frozen. Time may be of the essence, and I would urge you to send me your father's banking information immediately, so we can get working on this funds transfer. I'm sure there are legalities involved. As an heiress, I know you understand.
Also, you stated you wanted to enroll in school. Where would you like to go? What would you like to study? If I'm going to arrange for you to travel overseas, I need to know. As you know 75% of the world is covered in water, so virtually everyplace is overseas. I need to know where you'd like to wind up. I'd hate to enroll you at the University of Tehran, especially if your parents, God rest their souls, were Israeli immigrants. That could make your situation more difficult. On the other hand, if your father was a goat herder, it might make sense to enroll you at Auburn, which is located in Southwest Georgia somewhere. Burt Reynolds made a movie about it back in the early 70s. There was lots of banjo playing. If you don't like banjos, you might not like Auburn. As you can see, I need answers to these questions.
Only after I have an answer to these questions will I be able to inform you of the commission I would charge.
I look forward to helping you, and anticipate your speedy response.
Sincerely,
Beer Commissioner
Nice work. I receive 5+ a week. I wish I had the time to help as I to believe in philanthropic work.
God Bless!
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