There was a news story last week which was all the rage of sports talk radio.  Someone had revealed the Baseball Commissioner gets paid $18.35 million per year, which is the most of all commissioners.  The football commissioner gets $11.2 million, the basketball commissioner get $10 million, the hockey commissioner gets $5.59 million and the golf commissioner (seriously, who knew?) gets $4.8 million.

This news came as a huge shock to me.  I'm the beer commissioner, and I was astounded to find out people actually get paid to commission... Seriously....what am I doing wrong?  It is only fair to disclose my beer commissioning salary to the public.  After all, the golf commissioner's salary is public knowledge, why shouldn't the beer commissioner's salary be public knowledge?  And, since it is tax season, and I have to tell the IRS, why shouldn't I tell my loyal readers (I'm now up to 6)?

So, drum roll please.......ok, stop for a second. Let's put this in perspective.  There are 30 baseball teams.  The baseball commissioner gets $18.35 million dollars.  That breaks down to $616,666.67 to commission each team.  Football is $350,000 per team, basketball is $300,000 per team, hockey is $186,333.33 per team, and it costs approximately $30,000.00 to commission each golfer with a PGA tour card.  I'm not even going to bring up the $422,590 the baseball commissioner gets for expenses.  Do you have any idea how many lap dances I can get for $422,590?  (Ok, I wanted to know, so I did the math, 14,086 lap dances, at 3 minutes a song, which conveniently breaks down to exactly one month worth of lap dances).

Ok, I'm getting more and more ticked off the longer this blog goes.  Say for instance you are a fan of the Pittsburgh Pirates or the Seattle Mariners.  What has the commissioner done for you?  NADA!  What if you are a fan of the Lions?  Roger Goddell is hooking you guys up!  You are a Clippers fan you say?  How about that David Stern guy, huh?  Are you kidding me? Your team hasn't been to the playoffs in your lifetime?  I'm really sorry.  Talk to your commissioner.

Craig Stadler, where was your commissioner when you used that towel to keep your knee from getting wet?  You happy with the job he did? 

Now, say for instance, you are reading my blog. Say for instance your favorite beer is....oh, I don't know...Yuengling. Let's say for instance, your refridgerator isn't on the disabled list, you didn't lose power because of some hurricane.  You go to your fridge, you open the door, you pull out an ice-cold Yuengling, you twist off the top, you pour your Yuengling into a frosted mug, and you take a sip.....ahhhhh, sweet heaven!  And why is that?  You guessed it....me. The Beer Commissioner.  It is my job to insure your favorite beer is, well your favorite beer.  I have a 100% success and satisfaction rate. 

There are approximately 6,000 beers in the world available for sale.  Just running some numbers, and I'll use the baseball commissioner numbers, just as an example, if I were getting paid per beer, what he's getting paid per player, I should be making $91,750,020.00 per year.  Now, that is only 5 times more than Bud Selig is making.  My friends, let's put this in perspective, and you can see what a bargain I am.  There are 30 major league teams.  Each team has 40 players on their protected roster.  That is 1200 players.  Which means the baseball commissioner gets paid approximately $15,291.67 per player.  Here is where things get interesting. The baseball commissioner has 242 employees to do his bidding for him.  It takes 243 people $15,291.67 per player to bring joy and happiness to approximately 1/30th of the baseball fans in the country every year, and to inflict misery on everyone else, and to, perpetually keep Cubs fans miserable.  I make 100% of the beer drinking public happy 100% of the time, and I do it all by myself.  I'm a freakin' bargain! 

What exactly does all of this mean?  It means I need to get a better agent!  According to my calculations, if I beer commissioned at baseball commissioning effeciency, and taking into account my salary last year, I figure I'm being underpaid by about $3 trillion dollars.  This of course is negotiable, and I will take a personal check.