Beer Commissioner Speaks on his REALLY REALLY BAD DAY!
I have had a really bad day. Some of the reasons I can share with you, some I'm just not going to. Before I begin the tale of my day from hell, and (seriously, it really is a tragically horrific day), let me give you some background. On Sunday, Mrs. Commissioner went to St. Louis to work for the week. So, it has been me and the Little Deputies all week. Normally not a bad thing. Except, I've had about 4 hours sleep the entire week, because the little deputy has woken up every night screaming for his mother. I've done 26,000 loads of laundry, cleaned at least 4 gallons of milk, juice and pancake syrup off the floors, been kicked out of bed every night but one, and today, I had to be in court at 10:00 a.m., but the courthouse is 4 hours from my house, which necessitated having the deputies at the daycare at 6:00 a.m., which meant waking up at 5:00 a.m., only to have to finish with court, and drive 4 hours back home.
So, in between all that stuff, I had a pretty horrific day, but about 30 minutes ago, I just got the proverbial kick to the gut. I'm so mad, I can't see straight. It is all because of my wife's G.D. Mother F--K'N Worthless, Non-Litter-box Using, Vomiting-on-the-furniture, Flea-Ridden, Non-Rat Catching, Meowing-All-Night, Refuses-To-Die, Would-Eat-Me-If-It-Were-Bigger, Feral-Beast, Piece-of-Shit, 5000 year old cat AND MRS. COMMISSIONER (who I like considerably more than her G.D. Mother F--K'N Worthless, Non-Litter-box Using, Vomiting-on-the-furniture, Flea-Ridden, Non-Rat Catching, Meowing-All-Night, Refuses-To-Die, Would-Eat-Me-If-It-Were-Bigger, Feral-Beast, Piece-of-Shit, 5000 year old cat).
Again, some background is needed. After I tell you this background, Mrs. Commissioner is going to say oh-shit, I'm in trouble when she reads this, which she will read in her hotel room tonight before she goes to bed. Last year, Mrs. Commissioner's mother gave me a nice warm fuzzy Alabama Crimson Tide blanket for Christmas. As an alumnus of the University of Alabama, I was very excited to get this gift. The University of Alabama is 13-0, and currently ranked Number 1 in the country, since I have been in possession of the blanket. When I watch the Tide on TV, I watch with the blanket. When the little deputy kicks me out of bed at 2:00 a.m., I sleep on the couch with the Tide blanket. All week, I have been looking for my blanket, for two reasons. First, it is freakin' cold. Second, the little deputy has kicked me out of bed every night, but one this week, and I've been on the couch. Couldn't find my blanket. Until, 30 minutes ago. The G.D. Mother F--K'N Worthless, Non-Litter-box Using, Vomiting-on-the-furniture, Flea-Ridden, Non-Rat Catching, Meowing-All-Night, Refuses-To-Die, Would-Eat-Me-If-It-Were-Bigger, Feral-Beast, Piece-of-Shit, 5000 year old cat was meowing b/c he wanted food. I went outside to feed said animal, and low and behold, in the corner, there was my blanket, all curled up, and now covered in cat urine to keep the G.D. Mother F--K'N Worthless, Non-Litter-box Using, Vomiting-on-the-furniture, Flea-Ridden, Non-Rat Catching, Meowing-All-Night, Refuses-To-Die, Would-Eat-Me-If-It-Were-Bigger, Feral-Beast, Piece-of-Shit, 5000 year old cat warm and snuggly.
For SOME UNKNOWN FREAKIN' REASON MRS. COMMISSIONER decided to jinx my beloved football team, and put the G.D. Mother F--K'N Worthless, Non-Litter-box Using, Vomiting-on-the-furniture, Flea-Ridden, Non-Rat Catching, Meowing-All-Night, Refuses-To-Die, Would-Eat-Me-If-It-Were-Bigger, Feral-Beast, Piece-of-Shit, 5000 year old cat bad ju ju on my team. I'D LIKE TO SAY WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS SHE THINKING??? BUT CLEARLY THINKING WAS NOT PART OF THE PROCESS!!!
Anyway, I'm going to read a bed time story to the little deputy, and hopefully come up with an antidote for this bad G.D. Mother F--K'N Worthless, Non-Litter-box Using, Vomiting-on-the-furniture, Flea-Ridden, Non-Rat Catching, Meowing-All-Night, Refuses-To-Die, Would-Eat-Me-If-It-Were-Bigger, Feral-Beast, Piece-of-Shit, 5000 year old cat juju Mrs. Commissioner put on the Tide. Right now all I can think of is buying a Florida Gator blanket, giving it to the cat, and me pissing on it (the cat--not the blanket). If anyone has a better idea, let me know. I've also thought about mailing the cat to Tim Tebow, but by all accounts he is a really good person, and I wouldn't want to do that to him.
So, in between all that stuff, I had a pretty horrific day, but about 30 minutes ago, I just got the proverbial kick to the gut. I'm so mad, I can't see straight. It is all because of my wife's G.D. Mother F--K'N Worthless, Non-Litter-box Using, Vomiting-on-the-furniture, Flea-Ridden, Non-Rat Catching, Meowing-All-Night, Refuses-To-Die, Would-Eat-Me-If-It-Were-Bigger, Feral-Beast, Piece-of-Shit, 5000 year old cat AND MRS. COMMISSIONER (who I like considerably more than her G.D. Mother F--K'N Worthless, Non-Litter-box Using, Vomiting-on-the-furniture, Flea-Ridden, Non-Rat Catching, Meowing-All-Night, Refuses-To-Die, Would-Eat-Me-If-It-Were-Bigger, Feral-Beast, Piece-of-Shit, 5000 year old cat).
Again, some background is needed. After I tell you this background, Mrs. Commissioner is going to say oh-shit, I'm in trouble when she reads this, which she will read in her hotel room tonight before she goes to bed. Last year, Mrs. Commissioner's mother gave me a nice warm fuzzy Alabama Crimson Tide blanket for Christmas. As an alumnus of the University of Alabama, I was very excited to get this gift. The University of Alabama is 13-0, and currently ranked Number 1 in the country, since I have been in possession of the blanket. When I watch the Tide on TV, I watch with the blanket. When the little deputy kicks me out of bed at 2:00 a.m., I sleep on the couch with the Tide blanket. All week, I have been looking for my blanket, for two reasons. First, it is freakin' cold. Second, the little deputy has kicked me out of bed every night, but one this week, and I've been on the couch. Couldn't find my blanket. Until, 30 minutes ago. The G.D. Mother F--K'N Worthless, Non-Litter-box Using, Vomiting-on-the-furniture, Flea-Ridden, Non-Rat Catching, Meowing-All-Night, Refuses-To-Die, Would-Eat-Me-If-It-Were-Bigger, Feral-Beast, Piece-of-Shit, 5000 year old cat was meowing b/c he wanted food. I went outside to feed said animal, and low and behold, in the corner, there was my blanket, all curled up, and now covered in cat urine to keep the G.D. Mother F--K'N Worthless, Non-Litter-box Using, Vomiting-on-the-furniture, Flea-Ridden, Non-Rat Catching, Meowing-All-Night, Refuses-To-Die, Would-Eat-Me-If-It-Were-Bigger, Feral-Beast, Piece-of-Shit, 5000 year old cat warm and snuggly.
For SOME UNKNOWN FREAKIN' REASON MRS. COMMISSIONER decided to jinx my beloved football team, and put the G.D. Mother F--K'N Worthless, Non-Litter-box Using, Vomiting-on-the-furniture, Flea-Ridden, Non-Rat Catching, Meowing-All-Night, Refuses-To-Die, Would-Eat-Me-If-It-Were-Bigger, Feral-Beast, Piece-of-Shit, 5000 year old cat bad ju ju on my team. I'D LIKE TO SAY WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS SHE THINKING??? BUT CLEARLY THINKING WAS NOT PART OF THE PROCESS!!!
Anyway, I'm going to read a bed time story to the little deputy, and hopefully come up with an antidote for this bad G.D. Mother F--K'N Worthless, Non-Litter-box Using, Vomiting-on-the-furniture, Flea-Ridden, Non-Rat Catching, Meowing-All-Night, Refuses-To-Die, Would-Eat-Me-If-It-Were-Bigger, Feral-Beast, Piece-of-Shit, 5000 year old cat juju Mrs. Commissioner put on the Tide. Right now all I can think of is buying a Florida Gator blanket, giving it to the cat, and me pissing on it (the cat--not the blanket). If anyone has a better idea, let me know. I've also thought about mailing the cat to Tim Tebow, but by all accounts he is a really good person, and I wouldn't want to do that to him.
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