Beer Commissioner Speaks on .....Santa Claus
111 years ago a little girl named Virginia O'Hanlon wrote the New York Sun and asked whether or not there was a Santa Claus. The New York Sun famously replied, "Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus".
Well now the same exercise is going on all over the United States, except, people are no longer writing The New York Sun, they are now writing Uncle Sam, and they are writing with a long list.
First, the insurance companies, banks and brokerages houses asked Uncle Sam for $750 billion. Now the automakers are asking for $25 billion. Who is next? What industry wants to be next to sit on Santa's lap and ask for a Red Rider bebe gun? How about the airline industry? The gaming industry? How about the Gucci people? With the economy in such a downward spiral, surely people aren't dropping $2000 on purses anymore.
I'm pretty sure my portfolio has been decimated. I'm not sure, because I can't bring myself to look. In any event, I want a bailout. How about kicking me $250,000.00? I don't want millions or billions. Just kick me a cool quarter of a million bucks and I'll call it a day. I'm only asking for 1/10th of one percent of what the auto industry is asking for. That's chump change! Send me the check! I promise I won't send any Beer Commissioning jobs to South America. I promise I won't spend the bailout money buying up smaller beer commissioning entities. I promise I won't spend the bailout money on private jets, or golden parachutes for my executives. I promise if the feds give me some bailout money, I won't force the destruction of many trees, writing needless letters to Santa Claus asking for bailout funds.
No. I'll spend the bailout money on beer, women and song. I'm going to reinvest that bailout money into America. As Beer Commissioner, I'll buy beer. That's a given. I'll spend the bailout money on women. All of this corporate crack-down, I'm quite sure, big time execs aren't dumping thousands in strip clubs anymore. Those strippers have to be hurting. I'll also spend the money on song. Guns N Roses has a new album dropping next week. Their first in 15 years. 15 years and no record sales? Axl has got to be hurting.
But, in the event that Congress and President-elect Obama do not decide to award your Beer Commissioner with a bailout package, I'm just going to hope Santa Claus brings me a pair of fuzzy slippers from LL Bean, and brings everyone else world peace.
Well now the same exercise is going on all over the United States, except, people are no longer writing The New York Sun, they are now writing Uncle Sam, and they are writing with a long list.
First, the insurance companies, banks and brokerages houses asked Uncle Sam for $750 billion. Now the automakers are asking for $25 billion. Who is next? What industry wants to be next to sit on Santa's lap and ask for a Red Rider bebe gun? How about the airline industry? The gaming industry? How about the Gucci people? With the economy in such a downward spiral, surely people aren't dropping $2000 on purses anymore.
I'm pretty sure my portfolio has been decimated. I'm not sure, because I can't bring myself to look. In any event, I want a bailout. How about kicking me $250,000.00? I don't want millions or billions. Just kick me a cool quarter of a million bucks and I'll call it a day. I'm only asking for 1/10th of one percent of what the auto industry is asking for. That's chump change! Send me the check! I promise I won't send any Beer Commissioning jobs to South America. I promise I won't spend the bailout money buying up smaller beer commissioning entities. I promise I won't spend the bailout money on private jets, or golden parachutes for my executives. I promise if the feds give me some bailout money, I won't force the destruction of many trees, writing needless letters to Santa Claus asking for bailout funds.
No. I'll spend the bailout money on beer, women and song. I'm going to reinvest that bailout money into America. As Beer Commissioner, I'll buy beer. That's a given. I'll spend the bailout money on women. All of this corporate crack-down, I'm quite sure, big time execs aren't dumping thousands in strip clubs anymore. Those strippers have to be hurting. I'll also spend the money on song. Guns N Roses has a new album dropping next week. Their first in 15 years. 15 years and no record sales? Axl has got to be hurting.
But, in the event that Congress and President-elect Obama do not decide to award your Beer Commissioner with a bailout package, I'm just going to hope Santa Claus brings me a pair of fuzzy slippers from LL Bean, and brings everyone else world peace.
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