Golf is the worst sport in the world.  To say that I am a bad golfer is like saying John Wilkes Booth really didn't like Abraham Lincoln.  I am terrible.  This past weekend, I played in a golf tournament, with my neighbor.  It was her first time golfing, EVER.  She just bought her golf clubs a couple of weeks ago.  She smoked me.  She beat me like a rented mule.  Thanks to her playing partner (me) we finished dead dog last in the tournament.  This wasn't a with practice, who knows kinda thing.  This wasn't a well the Tampa Bay Rays were in last last year, but now they are in first thing either.  We finished (mainly with my help) THIRTY-FIVE strokes behind the NEXT-TO-LAST TEAM.  I really felt bad for my playing partner.  Someone asked her what her handicap was, and she pointed to me.  That's how bad it was.

Since, it is an election year, let me put this in a historical perspective.  In 1984 Walter Mondale got 13 electoral votes.  Ronald Reagan received 525.  I was like Lyndon LaRouche.  I finished way worse than pathetic.  We were the last team on the course.  When you take that many shots, it happens that way. 

So, after dipping into the Commissioner's Bag of Excuses, I have come up with the following.  The obvious, is that I just plain suck.  There has to be a reason why I suck so bad.  I'm going to tell you what it is.  Abject anger.  I was mad. I was furious.  Was it because my playing partner wore red to intimidate me?  No.  Was it because I stroked a 9 on the first hole, which was a Par 3?  No.  Was it because I found water on every hole (which is saying something because only about half the holes had water)?  No.

It was because, they didn't have beer.  Let me say that again.  I played in a golf tournament without beer.  Seriously, I didn't know such a thing existed.  Who in the world organizes such an event?  That's just un-American.  Golf without beer is like Christmas without Jesus.  Golf without beer is like baseball without the Phillies.  Golf without beer is like the Beatles without Lennon and McCartney. 

Within a 7 day period, I attended a birthday party, and a golf tournament where they didn't serve beer.  I'm the Beer Commissioner!  Apparently there is a strike I wasn't informed of.  Apparently, beer is now as expensive as gasoline, and people aren't buying it.  Seriously, what's the problem?  I'm pretty sure there is a Beer Commandment that states, Thou Shalt Serve Beer at Golf Tournaments and Kiddie Birthday Parties.

So help me, if they don't give out candy this Halloween, I'm going to take out more life insurance.