Yesterday the Commissioner and the Little Deputy Commissioner attended a birthday party for one of the Little Deputy's school buddies.  Mrs. Commissioner gets one of these uppity mother/kid magazines delivered to the house, and I have to admit, that I have glanced at some of the articles while in the library.  A few months ago, one of these magazines had a survery, titled something along the lines, "How Bad Does Your Husband Suck?" Take this survey and find out.  The survey then has about 726 questions ranging from, Does your husband suck because he doesn't get up in the middle of the night to change diapers?" (YES) to Does your husband suck because he didn't send you to the spa because you get up in the middle of the night to change diapers? (YES)

Each question then assigned a point value as to the husband's suck level.  The more points you accumulate, the less you suck.  Of course, at the end of the survey, they had a chart, whereby you could add up the points, and match your point totals to your suck level.  The levels were as follows:  -98736839 pts.= you suck like Bill Clinton; -89376 points= you suck like Charlie Manson; -12 points= you suck like John Edwards; 0 points = you could suck alot worse; 1-7 points=Dr. Phil; 8 points or more=stop it, you are a gay man with no kids and you are taking this survey while sitting in the library.

Anyway, I read all the questions, and the highest point value given for any question was: Does your husband suck because he doesn't attend little kiddie birthday parties? (NO!!!  1.75million points)  After factoring in this boost, I scored somewhere in the Oprah-Dr. Phil range.  So, solely because of this question, I started attending little kiddie birthday parties.  Besides the point benefits of this survey, the cake, the ice cream, there are usually some hot moms or two there.  They all look at you like, "wow, he must have scored Oprah on the survey!"  But I dutifully attend, and enjoy watching the Little Deputy having a good time by trying to set the three year old cheesy-poof-eating-world record.

After attending several of these little kiddie parties, I now feel qualified to start offering a critique.  For the love of God, serve BEER!  No, not to the kiddies, but to the parents that show up at these things.  On the off chance, you have a guy show up at your party, the father of the birthday child should be thrilled to have a man at his party that isn't his brother-in-law, and should be honored to serve up this warrior of the birthday party a cold beer to overcome the estrogen overload that usually swarms these events.  In the case of the birthday child being a girl, the chances of any man being there that isn't the father, is equal to there being an Iranian pope.  Beer should be served up for several purposes. First, you need the beer to better deal with that many women in the house talking about the PTA and breast pumps.  Second, beer should be served to get at least one of those women drunk so that all the other women will have something to talk about at the next birthday party, and finally, in the off chance a man shows up, the train wreck potential is priceless.

Seriously, little kid parties aren't really fun for the adults.  Why not splash up your child's next party with some beer? You'll have a much better shot of everyone having fun!