The Beer Commissioner Speaks on Vaults
I've never tried to rob a bank. I don't think I probably ever will either. It isn't likely I'm ever going to be consulted on bank security. However, if I ever am, I'm quite certain the people at Fort Knox, the U.S. Mint and the Federal Reserve have no idea what they are doing.
I'd bet my next Beer Commissioner paycheck, the Fort Knox vault people have nothing, and I mean nothing on the security devised by the fine people at Hasbro.
If you have kids, you know exactly what I'm talking about. When the Commissioner was a little kid, and was playing with his Star Wars toys, Lone Ranger and Tonto stuff, Santa would wrap the stuff up in a nice little package, you'd rip the paper off, and you'd be in the box in 1.6 microseconds, and you would have vanquished Lord Vader long before you ever got to the socks your Aunt Edna bought for you (Aunt Edna if you are reading this, I really loved the socks, and of my 6 living aunts you are the only one to have sent me a birthday card every year of my life--so you totally rock and I love you).
Well apparently, some kid, somewhere, convinced some lawyer to file a lawsuit, claiming he rifled through his presents too quickly, and was forced to open up socks in front of his aunt, and he was emotionally scarred somehow. As a result of what I'm sure was a class action lawsuit, all the toy manufacturers in the world conspired to make it more difficult to extract toys from their packaging than it is to extract the gold bars from Fort Knox.
My wife and I recently bought the deputy commissioner a 'special prize' because the little deputy gave us a pay raise. Yes, the little deputy now goes potty in the toilet. He has freed us from the tyranny of diapers. I have applied to Algore for a carbon credit, as we are no longer filling up landfills with disposable diapers. My wife and I are also planning on buying a yacht and a jet airplane with all our newfound wealth. So, since we got this pay raise, we thought we'd get the little deputy a new toy. Unfortunately, he had his eyes set on a 1:24 scale model of a Tony Stewart 18 wheeler. The truck was purchased, and then the sheer terror began.
We got the truck home, and the deputy started screaming like a wild banshee, because he wanted to play with his truck now. Unfortunately, the truck came packaged in a plastic shell, which rates about a 26 on Mohs Hardness Scale. The plastic shell was completely impenetrable by scissors. The shell totally overpowered the Leatherman tool. The shell vanquished the entire Swiss army (well not really--but the knife was no use). After 45 minutes of hacking, sawing and drilling, I finally managed to get the thing open with the aid of an 8" butcher knife.
By now, the little deputy had spilled his juice, and dropped the freeze pop he was given to appease him on the sofa. Thankfully, SpongeBob was on, so the little deputy forgot he had a Tony Stewart truck, entombed in a kevlar, carbonite, tomb of death.
Sadly, my ordeal was not even close to being over. You see the 1:24 scale model 18 wheeler, besides having the protective shell, was fastened to a plastic base by 18 separate, steel twisty ties, which can only be removed with a blow torch and needle nosed pliers, and a screw put into place by the same air jacks they use to fasten the tires of Formula 1 race cars. By the time I got all this stuff off and freed the truck, Tony Stewart had left his race team, and his truck, still in the package was selling on ebay for $56,000.
.
I'd bet my next Beer Commissioner paycheck, the Fort Knox vault people have nothing, and I mean nothing on the security devised by the fine people at Hasbro.
If you have kids, you know exactly what I'm talking about. When the Commissioner was a little kid, and was playing with his Star Wars toys, Lone Ranger and Tonto stuff, Santa would wrap the stuff up in a nice little package, you'd rip the paper off, and you'd be in the box in 1.6 microseconds, and you would have vanquished Lord Vader long before you ever got to the socks your Aunt Edna bought for you (Aunt Edna if you are reading this, I really loved the socks, and of my 6 living aunts you are the only one to have sent me a birthday card every year of my life--so you totally rock and I love you).
Well apparently, some kid, somewhere, convinced some lawyer to file a lawsuit, claiming he rifled through his presents too quickly, and was forced to open up socks in front of his aunt, and he was emotionally scarred somehow. As a result of what I'm sure was a class action lawsuit, all the toy manufacturers in the world conspired to make it more difficult to extract toys from their packaging than it is to extract the gold bars from Fort Knox.
My wife and I recently bought the deputy commissioner a 'special prize' because the little deputy gave us a pay raise. Yes, the little deputy now goes potty in the toilet. He has freed us from the tyranny of diapers. I have applied to Algore for a carbon credit, as we are no longer filling up landfills with disposable diapers. My wife and I are also planning on buying a yacht and a jet airplane with all our newfound wealth. So, since we got this pay raise, we thought we'd get the little deputy a new toy. Unfortunately, he had his eyes set on a 1:24 scale model of a Tony Stewart 18 wheeler. The truck was purchased, and then the sheer terror began.
We got the truck home, and the deputy started screaming like a wild banshee, because he wanted to play with his truck now. Unfortunately, the truck came packaged in a plastic shell, which rates about a 26 on Mohs Hardness Scale. The plastic shell was completely impenetrable by scissors. The shell totally overpowered the Leatherman tool. The shell vanquished the entire Swiss army (well not really--but the knife was no use). After 45 minutes of hacking, sawing and drilling, I finally managed to get the thing open with the aid of an 8" butcher knife.
By now, the little deputy had spilled his juice, and dropped the freeze pop he was given to appease him on the sofa. Thankfully, SpongeBob was on, so the little deputy forgot he had a Tony Stewart truck, entombed in a kevlar, carbonite, tomb of death.
Sadly, my ordeal was not even close to being over. You see the 1:24 scale model 18 wheeler, besides having the protective shell, was fastened to a plastic base by 18 separate, steel twisty ties, which can only be removed with a blow torch and needle nosed pliers, and a screw put into place by the same air jacks they use to fasten the tires of Formula 1 race cars. By the time I got all this stuff off and freed the truck, Tony Stewart had left his race team, and his truck, still in the package was selling on ebay for $56,000.
.
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