Unfortunately for the Commissioner, I have to deal with a lot of criminals.  It is not just because I find criminals, lovely people.  Believe it or not, the Commissioner does have a day job, and that job, requires your beer swilling hero to deal with the societal underbelly.


Because of my dealings with the criminal element, I feel that I need to put out this guide on how to avoid jail.  Please understand, I'm not actually trying to help you avoid jail (although if you read and follow this guide, you will in fact, avoid jail--I promise!).  The Commissioner is putting out this guide to make my life easier, and to avoid me telling my wife, on an almost daily basis....."you are never going to believe this idiot".

So, here goes.....

1.  Don't drink and drive.  Seriously, I love beer. This site advocates for all things beer related.  For heaven's sake, do not drink and drive.  Nothing good can come of it.  This is also the number one way, the typical non-criminal element, becomes the criminal element.

2.  Do not play your music at a level so that Santa Claus can hear it at the North Pole.  You may ask, how on earth does playing your music loud help you avoid jail?  I can tell you about 50 people currently living in jail, whose police reports all began with, Officer noticed the vehicle playing loud music.....officer effected a traffic stop on the vehicle.  Upon approaching the vehicle officer noticed.....(choose one of the following) a. the smell of burnt marijuana; b. the strong odor of alcohol; c. the driver's license was suspended; d. the car was not registered....after arresting the subject, officer patted down the subject for officer safety and found a crack rock....ding, ding, ding....you just won 10 years in jail.  Do not get me wrong, dealing crack is bad. Possessing crack is bad.  However, there are TONS of idiots currently living in jail, who otherwise would not be, BUT FOR wanting the greater metro area to hear the great speakers they put in their car from selling all their crack.

3.  Do not smoke pot in your car.  See number 2 above.  At least once a month, I personally come into contact with a criminal, who was smoking pot in his car, with the window down, in a public place.  These people are ALWAYS indignant, when they get arrested.  Believe it or not, it is illegal to smoke pot anywhere.  However, I promise you, you have a way better chance of going to live in jail, if you smoke pot in a public parking lot.

4.  Seriously, what part of the right to remain silent to people not understand?  I know another 50 people currently living in jail, who would not otherwise be there, if they had kept their mouth shut.  When the police are questioning these people, they typically tell the criminal, "we can help you, if you cooperate...."  Note to criminals...NO THEY CAN'T.  Briscoe is not going to serve jail time for you.  What are you criminals thinking?  Do you think while you are doing 10-20, you can just call up Detective Briscoe and say, "hey, I don't feel like serving the next couple of years, why don't you come down here to jail and keep the top bunk warm for me?"  Do you know what the cop is thinking while you are talking?  He is thinking, woohoo, I can get home early to supper because this guy confessed.  My personal favorites however are, cop reads the person their rights.  Cop says, what do you know?  They are really wanting to know where you got your roach, and you tell them, I swear, I didn't know that car was stolen.....ding, ding, ding....you just won 10 years in jail....

5.  And my personal favorite, and this one just never ceases to amaze me...If you ever happen to find yourself sitting at the defendant's table in the courthouse, it is generally a good idea to NOT LIE to your own lawyer.  I can understand lying to the DA, to the cops, to your witnesses.  I can even understand why you would want to lie to the judge (I would advise against it), but lying to your own attorney, is generally a bad idea.  Once upon a time, I knew a criminal. He was a drug dealer.  He swore up and down he did not deal drugs.  It wasn't me. Blah, blah, blah.  The arresting officer in this case was shipped off to Iraq to serve our country.  The DA made this guy a sweetheart deal, NO JAIL TIME, if he were to plead guilty. Not 1 day in jail, but the offer was off the table, if they had to go to the trouble of getting this officer out of a war zone to come testify.  Well, our hero, swore up and down, it wasn't him.  The DA went to the trouble to get the officer to testify.  It took a jury about 20 minutes to convict our hero.  After he was found guilty, our criminal apologized for lying to his attorney.  He said his momma would have killed him.  Well, his momma won't be able to kill him for at least another 22 years. 

Next time you think of it, raise a toast to stupid criminals, and be thankful you aren't one!