The Commissioner is not an expert on a lot of things.  The Commissioner is a better than average poker player, but not nearly as good as he thinks he is.  The Commissioner understands the infield fly rule, and can recite box scores from baseball games played 28 years ago.

The Commissioner does not understand algebra, does not know why Plank has a constant, or why Avagadro has a number.  The Commissioner is an expert on strip clubs, and he is here to help the typical strip club patron.

First and foremost, what is the difference between a strip club and a gentleman’s club?  The answer: $20.  Strip clubs are money making centers.  They do a better job of making money than the mint, and strip club owners long ago figured out the best way to make money.  Beer.  Lots and lots of beer.  The more beer you drink, the more money they make.  Beer is the weapon of choice employed by strip clubs to get your green backs in their cash till.

So a few helpful tips to enjoy the strip club experience without getting rolled (stripper vernacular for separating you from your hard earned cash):

1.       Never, ever under any circumstance buy dance dollars.  Assume you want a $50 lap dance from ‘the beautiful and sexy Jade’, but you only have $6 in your wallet.  Jade happily tells you, you can conveniently put dance dollars on your credit card.  You tell the cocktail waitress you need dance dollars to buy Jade a dance.  The cocktail waitress takes your credit card, and brings you $75 worth of dance dollars.  She explains there is a 25% ‘house fee’ for the dance dollars, and a $100 minimum charge.  You buy a dance from ‘the beautiful and sexy Jade’, and you give her $50 in dance dollars.  Now you are left with $25 in dance dollars, which CANNOT be redeemed, and cannot be used to buy any other dances, because lap dances are a minimum of $30.  You cannot save the dance dollars for another visit, because they are good for THAT NIGHT ONLY, which is clearly written on the dance dollar; however, you cannot read it, because you are drunk and the place only has black lights.  Moral of the story, you just paid $100 for a $50 dance, which lasted 3 minutes.

2.       Never, ever use the strip club ATM machine.  If you know you are going to the strip club ahead of time, always get your cash somewhere other than the club.  Strip club ATM’s universally only let you take out $100 at a time, and they typically charge you a $10 service fee.  If you want $400, it is going to cost you $440.  That $40 is a lap dance and a beer!

3.       Always make sure you look at your bill.  If you are going with a group of guys, strip clubs almost always charge a 20% gratuity for parties of 4 or more.  That 20% adds up quickly with strip club beer prices, which are typically $8-10 per bottle.  So, don’t be compelled to tip again, even if you think the waitress is hot, and even if she gives you her number.  She isn’t going home with you.  She is pushing for another 20%.

4.       Be aware of the phrase, “would you like to buy the lady a drink”?  Strippers are there to make money.  If they are going to have a drink with you, it is going to cost you.  Many strip clubs have two different drink prices, one for the customers, and one for the girls.  You both may be drinking a gin and tonic.  Yours is going to cost $10, hers is going to cost $40.  The house will give her $10 to sit there and drink it with you, they are going to keep the other $30, for the same drink.  The best way to avoid this situation and embarrassment is to talk to the door guy before you sit down.  Give him $5 to tell you the lay of the land.  How much are stripper drinks? How much are lap dances, sofa dances, VIP dances?  The door guy will always give you the scoop.  This way, when you sit down, you are armed with information, so when the waitress asks you if you want to buy ‘the beautiful and sexy Jade’ a drink, you won’t be surprised when she tells you the price after Jade has hammered down that Buttery Nipple.

5.       If you really do not want to get lap dances, and are a bit short on cash, and just want to see titties with the guys, you have 2 options.  First, either sit next to the stage, and tip the dancer $1 a song.  Dancers typically do not approach the guys sitting by the stage, and for $20 you can feel 20 sets of boobies over an hour.  Your second option, is to find the guy in the club with the money, and sit behind him.  He will be the guy that has girls giving him lap dances again, and again.  Sit behind him, and you can get a bird’s eye view of the boobies.

6.       If you are a big-baller, and are going to do the VIP dance, make sure you know the ‘up-charges’.  ‘The beautiful and sexy Jade’ will promise you special extra intimate time in the VIP room.  You can ‘have private time’ for one hour for only $500. You think, woohoo, $500 and this hottie is going to make me a happy guy.  Universally, VIP rooms have “house fees”.  ‘The beautiful and sexy Jade’ isn’t going to tell you this.  She is going to sit impatiently in the VIP room wondering why you are being so ‘cheap’ with the details.  VIP rooms typically require you to open a new bar tab, which typically carries a mandatory tip for the VIP waitress, with a mandatory bar bill.  Avg. cost $50.  There is usually a room rental fee.  Typical cost $250 per hour, plus a mandatory tip for the “host”, typically, $50.  Now, your VIP dance is up to $850, and Jade hasn’t so much as laid a finger on you, and you have just paid all that money UP FRONT.  You will not see the waitress again, but you will see the host about 3 minutes before the hour is up.  At the conclusion of the dance, ‘the beautiful and sexy Jade’ will demand a tip for the best VIP dance she has ever given.   Conveniently the host will tell you the customers typically tip $100.

7.       Finally, strip club cover charges are a huge pet-peeve of the Commissioner.  I hate to pay them.  There are a few ways you can get out of them.  If you are traveling from out of town, many strip clubs give you free admission with your hotel key.  Also, feel free to ask the bell man at your hotel if they have any passes.  They usually do.  A $2 tip to the bell guy, could save you $20 at the door.  Cab drivers often have passes as well, and they will gladly give them to you, along with his number to call him when you are ready to leave, so he can give you a ride back to your hotel.  The sports pages of many newspapers have ads for the titty bars, that let you get in free with the ad.  Additionally, a lot of Gentlemen’s Clubs have free passes on their websites.  So you if you are an anal retentive purveyor of porn, you can typically save a few bucks that way.

Keep these tips in mind, and you will be certain to have a great time at the strip club, and not get rolled.  If you have any questions about any particular strip club, shoot me an email, chances are, I’ve been there….